A New City Gives Us A New Chance To Be A Couple

October 24, 2011 By 10 Comments

Sean and I met in a battery of friendly banter, beneath a backdrop of beautiful flowers.

Talking to him was Heaven on Earth, each week more lovely than the one before it.

Not only did Sean know exactly what I wanted to buy, he would always arrange and wrap my purchase into a neat bundle of brown paper, then pass it across the counter alongside a clever quip designed to make me smile.

And he always tied the experience with an invisible bow: manners, humor, and friendly help to my car.

I wasn’t quite as flush as I pretended. My purchases were abundant, but I was paying for attention, and the rush I felt when buying his flowers, then bringing them home to my small beach pad apartment.

Sean was something I’d never had before.

I felt revered because he treated me like the lady I was. He delivered delicious adventure, love letters in the mail (even when we lived together), and the perfect cocktail of conversation to meet every mood. Not to mention enough entertainment options to make Vegas look lame (MAN ALIVE, that man loves his movies!)

But nothing was better than the never ending streams of conversation and whispered what ifs under fluffy down covers. Sean gave me a set of standards I’d never known; the two of us wrapped in our courtship, nestled in bliss, even without nuptials.

I wanted it to last forever, even when I was terrified it wouldn’t.

We pooled our savings and bought our first place together – a one bedroom co-op condo, 600 square feet, on the saltier side of town.

We OWNED it, our first business transaction together.

Already beyond awesome, our second jackpot rang just weeks later when we discovered a second heartbeat right behind my own. We brought two children into our humble home. I made amazing meals for our family on the world’s tiniest stove, and enough memories to fill 8,000 square feet.

Our family of four was complete.

Although parenthood was exhausting, we held onto what was ours. In California we always had that one place. The place we had before children, when we were Sean and Cindy but not yet Mom and Dad.

We had the special spot that felt like Cheers, where everyone knows your name, but with far more ambiance, a roaring fire pit, and amazing food. Our restaurant was Cafe Piccolo. Every trip to Piccolo guaranteed warmth, family, and fantastic conversations exchanged between Sean and the owner, Moe.

Cafe Piccolo was our go-to for everything from a frivolous lunch to getting engaged to celebrating births, to comfort when bidding farewell to our city.

Transplanting our family to Cincinnati has been an enriching adventure that has drawn our already close family even closer. This city is new, different, and thrilling; an unfamiliar landscape of rolling hills, amid a sprawling sea of green as wide as the Pacific we left behind.

This move has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, trailing becoming a teacher and marrying Sean.

Life in Ohio is simpler; the air is clean, horses are everywhere, and deer run free. History is rich, quality education is non-negotiable, and tranquility is nestled neatly into our lives as writers and parents.

A new city gives us a new chance to be a couple.

We celebrated our 10th anniversary in August, finally more  familiar with our city after a year in our new home. Our clean canvas has drawn sweet surprises, discoveries and plenty of mini-adventures to redefine life as a couple.

We have trails to walk, new favorite foods (especially the local ice cream and burgers), miniature golf, and a theater to call our own.

But we are still searching for our Cafe Piccolo.

Although I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before we find our special spot, I can’t wait to go “home,” sit by the fire, share my favorite Pinot Grigio with Sean, and wait for Uncle Moe to pull up a chair and connect with warm stories and amazing food.

Until we find our Cafe Piccolo in Cincinnati, the search is an adventure for all of us. Haley and Ethan are looking for their Cafe Piccolo, too.

We love Cincinnati and all its potential. Giant thanks to all our new friends (and Yelp!) for helping us navigate a city filled with charm and remarkable people.

Cindy

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Filed Under: Marriage

I Mostly Thought of You

February 12, 2010 By 11 Comments

It was twelve years ago.

Our first Valentines was spent beneath the raging torrent of El Niño. She was the boogey weather of the nightly news for months. But she was also real.

The flower shop flooded. Customers couldn’t get in and we couldn’t get our orders out.

Three days later I was standing beside my father, chopping the heads from thousands and thousands (and thousands) of dollars worth of roses. We watched the blooms roll into the trashcans as the bundled stems landed on the counter with a thud. The scent in the air was sweet, but the room was heavy.

Twelve 32-Gallon trashcans were filled, each one packed. Every trip to the dumpster was heartbreaking. It is impossible to recover from the loss of a perishable product.

It was devastating.

Fortunately, I mostly thought of you.

The way we met, and how one day had just seemed to settle right into the next like it never had before.

How your eyes looked bigger than your face.

Your smile.

My worst professional Valentine’s Day was still the best I’d ever had. The day’s freeze fell off me just moments after I came home.

Everything was okay.

You gave me everything then, as you have now for more than a decade.

Children that bloat my emotion and pull me deeper into my days, your unwavering faith that I can and will do anything I throw my mind to, and an unfaltering system of support to give me the time and tools to make it happen.

I can’t believe it’s been more than twelve years.

The math is clear. Our oldest child is now eight, plus the five we were together before she was born. Yet it doesn’t seem possible.

After all these years, each day still settles right into the next.

I love you. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Filed Under: Marriage

Do You Believe in Soul Mates?

October 22, 2009 By 128 Comments

Ido not believe in soul mates, at least not by their strict definition. I love my wife more than anything and would trade her for nothing, but I am a practical man who understands that finding true exclusive congruence between two souls from the nearly seven billion on our planet is a mockery of basic mathematics. Geography and background are just two of the variables which bookend the billion other bits of existence that thread through the fabric of our lives each day.

Though I do not believe in soul mates, I do strongly believe in mated souls.

At the time I met Cindy, there wasn’t another person more suited to me. Each day since has only served to strengthen our bond; the cocoon now so thick no other soul could ever hope to puncture its hide. Our lives are mingled; our memories now brimmed with similar stories written by separate authors. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Don’t spend your life looking for a soul mate, allow your soul to mate instead.

Writer Dad

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Finding My Friday Again

June 29, 2009 By 33 Comments

The helter skelter of the last few weeks has prompted me to run this particular “Deja Tuesday” post. This was originally written sometime back around mid November of last year. Since then “Finding my Friday” has become one of my favorite phrases.

It is slightly rewritten to reflect the new year and my new understanding of the comma, but is otherwise mostly in tact.

Enjoy!

FridayLife never unfolds quite as expect, and hoping that it will is more than a little like swatting fog. Days unfold, weeks disappear, and we often find ourselves doing our best when we simply catch up and catch our breath. We keep our eyes fastened forward, accept what we see, remain thankful for all we have that is working, and arrange to change what doesn’t.

We cannot stop life from happening. It goes on every day with or without us. It follows us everywhere, surrounding us at all times no different than the air we breathe.

We never know how one moment will drift into the next, so it is paramount we regard our moments as each a possible precursor to the last; forever fixing our face toward the now, while never forgetting to flick our eyes at the horizon and whatever prize we’ve placed beneath, while understanding there are few things we can simply compel to happen.

When big things happen suddenly, there is often unreasonable cost attached.

Like a tsunami, or avalanche.

Life, at its best, happens bit by tiny bit.

Does the caterpillar know what he will one day be?

Probably not.

One thing Cindy has always said, though only now am I hearing it in the way she’s always meant it: “We mustn’t ever skip our steps.”

I love our modern world, but when I can download nearly anything that caresses my mood, how can I remain humble and look patience in the eye? More important, how can I teach this to my children?

There’s an order to life, and to most things we say we want and are willing to work for. Skipping even a single step, often means misunderstanding or misapplying something in the future. If we consider we are here just once, this seems precarious and unnecessary.

My biggest one to grow on during my twenties was patience. Fortunately, life saw fit to outfit me with the ultimate foe of an impatient man: first a girl and then a boy.

I’m more patient than I used to be, but I still have about a million miles to meander.

Last Friday, I was in the middle of telling Cindy about my brand new idea – the new one; the one that would change everything, allow us to scale our next summit, and plant a flag deep inside all future possibility. A good fifteen minutes had passed since the last idea and, since it was getting late, it was perfectly possible a better idea would not arrive before the dawn.

“Sweetheart,” Cindy said, placing her hand on my forearm to stop me from pacing. She gingerly pulled me on the love seat beside her. “You need to find your Friday.”

These last few months have seen me celebrating my new life as a full time writer by piling more and more onto my ridiculously heaping plate. I tackle each week as though the Romans didn’t get it done in a day by choice. There’s a lot to be said for working hard and using every minute, but it is something else entirely when your minutes are misapplied.

But doing my best doesn’t always mean doing my most.

I found my Friday, and fortunately, my Saturday and Sunday sailed into the sunset right behind.

Writer Dad

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6 Rules For Remarkable Marital Communication

June 24, 2009 By 57 Comments

communication in marriageCommunication is the central ingredient to any prosperous marriage. My wife and I work together; our worlds orbiting and intersecting every day of the week, during most of our daylight and all of our dark.

This would be a strain on many a couple, yet after a dozen years and two children together (the youngest starting kindergarten in the fall) we continue to grow stronger each day.

This would not be possible if clear, consistent communication was not at the dead center of our days.

By no means do Cindy and I share a perfect marriage, but it is a thriving, healthy union between two best friends who are still thrilled to spend as much time together as possible, and prefer to head toward the horizon rowing our oars in the same direction. What works for us might not work for everyone, but if I were to jot a list, and I suppose for the sake of this post I have, this is what I’d say:

The six steps to healthy communication and a happy marriage

1) Plan time to talk. Much of our communication is spontaneous, messages flying through the air with abandon and often chased by laughter. Tossed off comments, specific instructions, humorous asides and lists of things to do are all blended in the daily cocktail of conversation. Amid the helter skelter of every day, a healthy marriage deserves specific time dedicated to a couple’s connection. Cindy and I each have an awful lot of work to get done during the day, but we make certain we have uninterrupted time each evening where the two of us can plug back in to the attention of the other. Weak communication paves the road to an unhappy life. Whether in your work or play, communication is essential to success, but nowhere is it more important than with the other person with whom you share your bed. Yes, we discuss our day’s difficulties, but we also share our highs and always make sure to mine a few minutes to dream about days that have not yet happened.

2) Swap shoes. Our individual history defines us; a million minutes of nature and nurture constantly crafting our character. No one will ever see the world exactly as we do, and we can never expect to see the world from the exact vista of another, but slipping into the perspective of our significant other is an essential ingredient to truly understanding them. When a couple disagrees, it isn’t always about one person being right and the other wrong, it is about two individuals with different perspectives finding a healthy way to bridge the space between their thoughts.

3) Clean your ears. Don’t ever pretend to listen if you’re only waiting for your turn to speak. Be an active listener instead. Observe the obvious cues and respond appropriately and with purpose. Notice not just the language being used, but the tone of delivery, facial expressions, and body posture as well. Your spouse deserves to feel safe – they must know their thoughts are important to you and that you will give them all the regard and consideration they deserve.

4) Be consistent. Surprises are fun when they include candles, balloons, and stacks of sugary treats. Not so much when they involve mood swings and terrifying tirades. A couple should be able to rely on a consistent mutual mood. The constant calibration of expectations leads to fear, anxiety, and restlessness. This isn’t to say you aren’t entitled to your bad days. We all have them for sure, but if you can chart your moods on a graph and it looks like the Alps, then you have a problem that needs solving. You are teaching your partner to live with uncertainty; a bridge built with fraying rope.

5) Trust. We all have bad days. There should be no one in your word more willing to hear you vent than the person on the pillow beside you. If after a bad day, you choose to plug a cork into your feelings sin the vain hope your spouse won’t notice, well that’s a bit like cranking the radio so you can’t hear the grinding noise of a failing engine. Your anger will go nowhere, and will likely only manifest itself in an unsettled mood. Have faith that your spouse wants to hear what you have to say. If you have a history of stilted conversation, start slow. Communication improves like anything else – a day at a time.

6) Be Honest. I believe there is nothing more essential to a thriving marriage than honesty. If you think you are slyly hiding things from the sight of your spouse, believe me – you aren’t. Your spouse is knows you are hiding something, even if it is only on a subconscious level that they themselves could never articulate. Humans are often smarter than they give themselves credit for. Be honest with your feelings and honest with your intentions. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and never use honesty as a license to be unkind.

These rules are general; a vague outline for living that can be modified to fit your own set of circumstances. Excellent communication doesn’t mean you always agree, but it must always remain considerate. Never use words as weapons or attempt to guilt, bully, dominate, blame, outwit, or control your partner.

The union we share with our partners is like a wheel. Negativity will only roll around to ruin us.

Writer Dad

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The Other Side of the Dashboard

April 5, 2009 By 10 Comments

I enjoyed handing the mic to Cindy last week. She enjoyed writing her words and then reading your responses.

The last several days has seen one of those stretches where time seemed to fall from the sky with only slightly more abundance than snow in Southern California. Yet despite the chaos of our schedule, Cindy did read every comment and every email. Alas, she has not yet had the time to answer more than a few and requested one more day here to say good-bye.

Of course, my love. She’s all yours…

“Coming together is a beginning;
Keeping together is progress;
Working together is success.”
~ Anonymous

istock_000000271376xsmall-copyAfter Mia and Max each got their turn, I knew my day at Writer Dad was coming. I didn’t know what Sean had in mind, but I was glad when he handed me the keyboard as I wasn’t really looking forward to my video interview… at least not yet. For the last seven months I’ve sat beside him as he’s read every post to me out loud before it went to publish.

It felt wonderful to be on the other side of the dashboard.

The virtual world is new to me. After observing it from an arm’s length over the last half year or so, I can confidently say it is teeming with life, constancy and an infinite number of possibilities and potential. I love the simple canvas that Sean has created to take day to day communication and turn it into a time capsule of who we are and how we grow at this moment in our lives.

As we look inward, and work outward in a unified direction, we create a forum woven with words in space and time to fill our life with substance and purpose. I am grateful for the inspiration, good cheer, and constructive thoughts that everyone has shared so willingly.

I mostly just wanted to say thank you to everyone who took the time to send me their thoughts. I truly, truly appreciate them. I will answer all your wonderful comments and emails by the end of this weekend.

Cindy

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Necessary to ME

April 3, 2009 By 32 Comments

Necessary to Me

“A marriage makes 2 fractional lives a whole; it gives to 2 purposeless lives a work, and doubles the strength of each to perform it; it gives to 2 questioning natures a reason for living and something to live for; it will give a new gladness to the sunshine, a new fragrance to the flowers, a new beauty to the earth, and a new mystery to life.”

~ Mark Twain

platts16bSean and I sacredly preserve the privacies of our home, family and state of heart. Our relationship thrives because we are candid with one another and our minds grow and blend together in a contented love that never allows the sun to set on moments of alienation or dissonance in thought. Occasionally we agree to disagree, but most often we find ourselves in harmony.

The quiet of our love calms the stresses of life. His gentle ways and brilliance shine upon our family and he has taught me that time indeed does heal all wounds.

My soul is thrilled by his passion for life and when I am weary his presence is the haven I seek that is sacred and mine. Our life together is a continuous building and shaping of communication; a deep understanding that treasures yesterday, today and tomorrow.

He is necessary to me.

The key to the love we model for our children is an understanding and comprehension not only of the spoken word, but the unspoken gestures that say so much. We learn from our mistakes, always forgive, and never sleep on a pillow of misunderstanding or cross words.

He is necessary to me.

Our dreams are interwoven and I am blessed with his life long honor, compassion, and integrity. I carry them all like necessities in my backpack through the longest journey of a wonderful life. Merrily we sail together side by side, anchored in our intentions, our children serving as a tight crew to persevere through everything hand in hand.

He is necessary to me.

He is the perfect flower I carefully picked, the lucky 4 leaf clover I hold in my pocket, and the most dedicated, loving person I have ever had the priviledge to know.

His presence is necessary to me, like breath gives us life. I am grateful to have a partner to teach and love our beautiful children, to create and dream with and to know with certainty that coming together was the beginning, but keeping it all together and working in collaboration is the success that makes our life as sweet and open as the morning glories that wind through the bars of our fence.

Sean inspires me daily with his work ethic, brings me to tears with his words and holds my heart in the palm of his hand. Thank you Sean for giving me the mic this week, sharing your readers and holding my hand as always. It is a pleasure to work with you, but most of all it is an honor to be your wife and the mother of your children.

You are necessary to me.

Cindy

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Meet Cindy, My Wife

March 30, 2009 By 33 Comments

happy marriageMy wife and I wake together each morning and work side by side each day. Our evenings almost always unwind in unison, our breath gradually relaxing until it finally falls into a steady, almost singular rhythm.

Still, the magic of our minutes, undiluted together, are rare enough to consider them treasure.

Our days are spent moving back and forth from A to B, in and out and to and fro. With one child in 1st grade and another still in preschool, each with a different schedule and a 30 minute commute (each way) there are weeks when it seems as though the gas station gets more face time than either one of us.

We’ve been best friends for a dozen years. BC (before children) we were often drunk with both minutes and money. It’s amazing how children are a pox upon all we take for granted. We have since kept our tinder hot through consistent stolen moments and a full appreciation of what we do have together.

In Spetember all this will change. For the first time in 8 years, we will have lingering links of unbroken minutes while both children are safe in the same place at the same time for less than a sentence but longer than a sigh.

Halellujah times a hundred!

We have so much on our plate that if we only swallowed what was already cut in pieces we’d be lucky to get it chewed and half digested by September 2010, but I am eager to soar with her by my side.

When I started Writer Dad I gave all of us a nickname. Though Max and Mia‘s are going nowhere, it may be time to shed the artificial moniker of my lady. Her name came about pretty much the same as Max and Mia’s. I typed it once and it happened to stick. I’ve enjoyed referring to her as Daisy (once we were in WalMart and someone shouted Daisy. Her head spun around like a turret on a tank) and she has enjoyed diddling about on Namas Daisy, but it is nearly time for a more significant online presence and she’ll require a real name to back it.

May I introduce to you, my best friend and beautiful wife, Cindy Platt.

Cindy is a born teacher, writer, and architect of instruction; a twenty year veteran of varying scholarship, spanning Asia to Australia and a majority of the states that spread across the wider continent in between.  She was multiple recipient of Teacher of the Year, for the Houston Unified School District; hand selected by Rod Paige, who served as our Secretary of Education for the United States from 2000 – 2004.

She is AWESOME.

I’m a writer, but so is she. For the rest of this week I’m handing off the reigns of Writer Dad. Writer Mom will carry you through to Friday and I will see you again next week with some long overdue changes finally blooming at the WD.

Until then,

Writer Dad

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Husband, Dad, Writer

January 29, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Today I have a post about Daisy… but it isn’t here.  You might remember Corey from Simple Marriage, who filled this same spot this same time last week.  My post on the unwavering faith of marriage can be found there.

Thanks to everyone who is playing along with the SEO Content game.  Yesterday’s entry “Dad” was an awful lot of fun.

Because a dozen emails have advised me to do it, tomorrow I’ll share on excerpt from “February.”

Writer Dad

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How to Have More Time For Marriage With Kids In The Way

January 22, 2009 By 30 Comments

This is a guest post from Corey Allan of Simple Marriage dot Net and Parent to Launch dot Com.

2712331670_cf88013819It’s late in the afternoon and the work to do list continues to pile up. Emails are left unanswered. The new message light is still blinking on your phone. It’s endless.

You get home after picking up the kids in time for a quick dinner, unless it’s take out, again. You spend a little bit of time talking as a family, maybe. Unless there’s a school activity, sports practice, homework, meeting, or something else scheduled.

You collapse into bed maybe hours after your spouse, and wake up to do it all over again.

If you have kids living under your roof, I know you’ve been there.

Today’s family is under a tremendous amount of strain. So is marriage. With all the things vying for our attention, it’s easy to have the important slip through the cracks in order to address the immediate.

Many marriages suffer due to this strain. It’s hard to find time for each other in amongst the schedules and routines of life.

Whether you are lost when it comes to finding even a minute together with your spouse or you are looking for a bit of a spark to take the marriage to another level, here’s a few ideas to incorporate.

1. Create a schedule. Life runs on schedules already, so why not use a bit of this in marriage. Plan weekly dates. Schedule in rendezvous during the week. You may think this will kill the passion and spontaneity… really? You mean that you’ve never spent any time thinking through how you’d like an encounter or date to unfold? By having something scheduled, you create room for anticipation.

2. Tell your kids your marriage is important. Strictly speaking, your kids belong to you, it’s not the other way around. Inform your kids, better yet show your kids that your marriage is important. Go on regular dates. If your family is like mine, your kids are done eating quickly in order to go play, spend time at the table with your spouse after they’re done. Sure you conversations will be interrupted, but it’s a great way to connect.

3. Utilize babysitters. If you’re lucky enough to have family close by, let the kids have a little family time while you and your spouse go out. The beauty of this option – the kids get someone new to play and interact with, while you get a break together. It’s amazing to me the number of couples I’ve met that have not had their kids stay over night with family members or friends. Not only do you and your spouse benefit from this time, your kids do as well. They experience an expanded range of people who love and care for them. This can set a foundation for greater self-confidence and growth as they develop.

4. Create secret signals or code words. It’s difficult to have conversations that may lead to deeper, more intimate connections when you are interrupted every five minutes by one kid tattling on the other or needing something from you for their homework or wardrobe. This can be overcome by creating another language or codes to use with each other. This language or code should be based on whatever you would be saying to each other if given the opportunity. If this type of language is not part of your normal dialogue, then it would need to be created all together. It could be as simple as lighting a candle that is centrally located in the home as a signal one of the parties is interested in an encounter. Whether the encounter is sexual or emotional is up to you. Or it could be as complex as learning a second language. How cool would it be to woo your spouse in another language? And if your kids begin to understand the language, they would only discover more about the love and desire you have for your spouse. There are far worse things they probably already know about you.

Kids in the home present many obstacles to passion in marriage, but they aren’t the only reason passion wanes. By overcoming the hurdles of kids, you are faced with what else may be going on in the marriage. The kids can provide a buffer for a stale marriage. If that’s the case, more work will need to be done individually and relationally to address the other concerns.

Marriage is work. But the things in life that require work have more value.

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