Idon’t want to dip too far into hyperbole here, so I’ll say my mom is the 47th most annoying person to ever live.
She’s not mean or evil or anything. In fact, my old lady is about as nice as they come. But that and two dollars will get me a single cup of Venti black and not one drop more. It isn’t so much that she’s annoying, it’s that my mom is entirely delighted with her unique nature, and every small or large annoyance it may bring.
My mommy dearest feels she is above the boundaries of “boring” society. Asking her to adhere to these fundamental laws is the same as asking her to “fit into a little box;” an accusation she’s made more times than I can count or care to remember. Examples of my shoving her into said box would be requesting she show up on time (which she now does more often than not!), handle her finances in a way that doesn’t continuously lean on the goodwill of those around her, or maintain a house that doesn’t require the use of a Hazmat suit for even the briefest visit.
My mother’s house, both inside and out, looks as though the surrounding boroughs were flipped upside down, with their contents shaken and strewn hither and tither, with about half landing in and around her plot.
Though my mom has always been a big giant bag of happily crazy, and as much as it drove me nucking futs for my entire life, getting upset was like shaking my fist at the sun for making me hot. I naively assumed that becoming a grandmother would soften some of her loco, but my mother is a performer. She did not see a grandchild as an opportunity for personal evolution, or a new chance to set an important example for. Rather, she saw it as an extension of the stage where she could do her song and dance before a brand new set of eyes.
“Please Mom,” I’d beg, “Can you just try and bring a little less of your crazy?” Yet my mom would merely give vent to her cackle and fuel me with the same frustration I’d been feeling for years.
My mom is the type of visitor who will knock on your door at completely random times, with no warning beyond the telltale sound of her giant fistful of jingling keys. ”Hi Mom,“ I’d say, looking past her at the full moon in the sky. “Couldn’t you have maybe…I don’t know…called first?“
“Oh, you know I’m not a planner,” she’d say, with a dismissive wave of her hand to let me know that I am simply too uptight.
I’d hoped, and even dared to believe, that a marriage would mute some of my mommy’s foggy manners. Instead, it seemed like it only made her consider them especially funny. Again, new eyes to my mom have always equaled new audience. I wish I could tell you the first words she ever said to Cindy, just twenty seconds after their introduction, but they are rather unbelievable and I’d hate to damage my credibility.
Getting married hadn’t moved our relationship forward in the way I had hoped it would, but I was still willing to believe that having a child would bring new behavior all the way home.
Sidewalk can stay frozen all winter long, but eventually the sun melts the snow. Right…right?
Wrong.
My mom would still show up in the middle of dinner, at bed time, or on a random Sunday afternoon. Sometimes to ask for money, occasionally to drop off something special she found at the thrift store (or along the side of the road), and every now and then just to say hello. Often, she would call me up to share whatever random thing was floating through her head.
Right about now you may be thinking that I’m an ungrateful son with no interest in talking to his mother. I assure you, this is not the case. I’d like to submit as evidence to the esteemed members of the jury, Exhibit A: an actual sample snippet of conversation between us.
“Hello.“
“Hi, booger baby. I just heard the acoustic version of Hotel California on 93.1. They’ve been playing such great stuff lately. Glen Frey had the best hair in the 70’s. I don’t know why he had to go and get all butch with those Holiday Health Spa Commercials. He and Jackson Brown always had the best hair. Your father and I saw them both one time in concert, but…“
“Um… yeah, Mom, I’m kinda busy,” I said, a crying baby splitting the silence in the background. “We’re in the middle of dinner, just like we are every day at this time. Did you need anything specific?”
“No. I was just driving and heard Hotel California….
&$$#*^(@$^$(*&#^$(@#*$^@#&*$^&#*($&@#^$&#)*_#@*$#@&!”
After yelling a string of profanities in my ear, aimed at another driver but loud enough to make me hold the phone away from my head, she returned to the conversation.
For about a second.
“Hold on! I think there’s a cop behind me!” I waited through the longest minute of silence ever, while my baby daughter continued to cry. Then, finally, “You there?”
“Yeah, Mom.“
”What was I saying?“
”You were talking about Glen Frey’s hair.“
”Oh yeah, he’s such a cutie-pie!“
After she finished her girlish little giggle, “I’m going to finish dinner now, okay.”
She released a rather large and overly dramatic sigh, then said, “Fine!” in a tone suggesting I’d denied her a loan or perhaps ran over her puppy.
This type of exchange was common, and frustrated me to no end back when it was just her and me. Yet no amount of my words could ever succeed to convince her of this. Deep down, my mom always believed that since she thought her behavior was cute, then everyone else did, at least on some level, as well. Of course, once Cindy and I were together, my deeply rooted feelings became a result of the new woman in my life who had “succeeded in changing me.”
By the time we were married with our first child, Cindy had been together for nearly five years and I was still running in the same circles with my mom that I had been since pre-adolescence.
Old dogs may not be able to learn new tricks, but fortunately they can sometimes learn enough to at least pretend. It’s now eight years since the birth of our daughter, and though my mom is still the 47th most annoying person to ever live, she has come a long, long way.
About Sean Platt
Hi Sean .. sound 'fun' .. full of life – and determined to enjoy it regardless! Now my mother is in her last months (and has been for a while) .. I just enjoy her company and to have her turn round and say what a wonderful daughter I am .. is just magic – I don't have children .. so I guess it's extra special. Don't we laugh when they wear purple hats and look crazy .. but they're our mothers .. enjoy these memories & I'm so glad she's come a long, long way along the path .. enjoy all your women .. ??!! Especially Cindy and Mia .. have a great weekend .. Hilary
Hi Hilary!
She has come a long, long way. In fact she might've even moved down to #147 or so. Seriously though, she's rarely ever late anymore, hasn't brought over any obnoxious gifts (or donkeys without tails) and has tried really hard.
Have an awesome day, Hilary. :)
Hi, my presshhhuuus! While you have every right in the world to vent and express your opinions, I must exercise he right to explain my “big bag of crazy”. (And I still think you need to read “Auntie Mame”)
I was raised by very strict, but incredibly loving, big hearted parents. Our home was open to all and was a constant freeway of friends, neighbors and relatives who just were”in the neighborhood” and hardly ever called ahead. If the doorbell rang my mom would express joy to see them, drop what she was doing and prepare a snack, always offering the hospitality of her home despite any inconvenience.Yes, it was unorthodox, but very normal to me.
For twelve solid years I attended Catholic school, living in uniform and adhering to rules that made absolutely no sense to me. I was pretty good at playing the game and keeping everybody happy, but the moment I got out it was…PAAARRTTYY! I burst out of my cocoon and was finally able to express my individuality without repurcussions. I grew up in the turbulent, culturally stimulating sixties. I am quite intelligent and totally right brained (even though I suffered through five years working in aerospace).I create beauty and teach others to create and appreciate the softer side of life.
I raised you to be compassionate, open minded, liberal and humorous and above all encouraged you and Megan to be the people you are without trying to change you. Yes, I am eccentric, love rock and roll, thrift shopping and never hesitate to express my opinion at inappropriate times. I do apologize for whatever inconvenience and embarrassment that has caused. I am a firm believer in not sweating the small stuff because life is too short and I don't need ulcers or migraines. (I know, I know…as your dad used to say, I'll never get them, I'll just give them!)
In general, I am quite pleased with who I am, though acknowledging that some of my methods defy convention and have caused financial and organizational problems (i'm working on that.).
I love my planet, have conversations with people anywhere, feed all the stray animals that find their way to my door and love my family. there are worse kinds of crazy I could be!
I am impulsive and my thoughts move very rapidly (call it ADD if you like) and I do get distracted if a butterfly passes by. Despite these things, I take great pride that I raised two creative, awesome children and that I taught them to believe in their own unique nature, so please, while I concede that I am a pain in the butt at times, and do not share your more conventional lifestyle, please give me credit for encouraging you to be your own person and never meddling in your life, just loving you unconditionally. Love ya, mom
Well said and I can't disagree with a single word.
Love ya, Ma.
Can I just say I love your mom? She sounds awesome :) and a bit like my mom. Have a beautiful weekend!
Wanna do a mom swap?
Just kidding, my mom is awesome. :)
My mom-in-law used to show up unannounced too until I told her, “Next time, you do this, you find me how you get me.”
Well one day, my wife and I were in the throws of passion and the in-law decided to show up announced. I walked down and answered the door a bit sweaty and butt naked, opened the door and said “Hi.” Luckily, we have a tall screen door. She said “Should I come back later?”. I replied “In an hour…maybe two…”
Never happened again.
Ha! Your story wins all over the place.
Hey, my boys love to watch “Sid the Science Kid” (a lot) so I can't help but think that your mom sounds like little Sid's Granthmother: In her own world, independent and non apologetic. An odd reference, I know, but hey I'm a parent.
I'm a parent too. I got the reference immediately!
阿彌陀佛 無相佈施
不要吃五辛(葷菜，在古代宗教指的是一些食用後會影響性情、慾望的植
物，主要有五種葷菜，合稱五葷，佛家與道家所指有異。
近代則訛稱含有動物性成分的餐飲食物為「葷菜」，事實上這在古代是稱
之為腥。所謂「葷腥」即這兩類的合稱。 葷菜
維基百科，自由的百科全書
（重定向自五辛） 佛家五葷
在佛家另稱為五辛，五種辛味之菜。根據《楞嚴經》記載，佛家五葷為大
蒜、小蒜、興渠、慈蔥、茖蔥；五葷生啖增恚，使人易怒；熟食發淫，令
人多慾。[1]
《本草備要》註解云：「慈蔥，冬蔥也；茖蔥，山蔥也；興渠，西域菜，云
即中國之荽。」
興渠另說為洋蔥。) 肉 蛋 奶?!
念楞嚴經 *∞窮盡相關 消去無關 證據 時效 念阿彌陀佛往生西方極樂世界
我想製造自己的行為反作用力
不婚 不生子女 生生世世不當老師
log 二0.3010 三0.47710.48 五0.6990 七0.8451 .85
root 二1.414 1.41 三1.732 1.73五 2.236 2.24七 2.646
=>十3.16 π∈Q’ 一點八1.34
This is hysterical… .I needed this read thank you so much. BTW – haven't met your Mom but Love her….
Hi Michelle!
What a nice surprise to see you here! Yeah, my mom would like you a LOT. You would get along extremely well. And I already know you know how to deal with crazy, so you're taken care of there. :)