You’ll shoot your eye out kid!
For most kids my age, that line is immediately followed by a flash or two from a distinct series of images. Perhaps a fishnet stocking covered leg lamp fashioned from plastic, a tongue frozen to a light post, or the main character sitting on a stool, bar of soap in his mouth after having said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the “F-dash-dash-dash” word!
I’m not sure how successful “A Christmas Story” was when it first hit theaters, but it was an instant classic among everyone I knew at the time, as well as everyone I’ve ever asked since. Out of many famous lines in that film it was that one, more than any other, which echoed around my house.
You’ll shoot your eye out kid!
That was what my mom said when I first asked her for a BB gun. When I first saw “A Christmas Story,” I could have cared less. But for some reason when I was fourteen I wanted one, with a sudden, fierce hunger. My mother was adamant – You’ll shoot your eye out kid! she said, referencing the film, but meaning every word all the same.
I didn’t want a Red Ryder rifle like Ralphie dreamed of getting in the movie. I wanted a handgun. I’d seen them at the sporting goods store. They were black and looked just like the real thing. The glass case had a couple of imitation .9 mm Berettas, the same gun John McClane used in Die Hard. I wasn’t an especially violent kid, and didn’t desire a BB gun for any nefarious deeds. I just wanted to feel half as cool holding it as I was sure Bruce Willis felt mowing down a skyscraper full of terrorists.
I begged and begged. My mother said NO and my father stayed quiet. I knew without doubt that my father was my best shot. He had after all been a boy at one time himself, and I knew that he knew my days of childhood were waning. That Christmas, much to my mom’s horror, there was a long box waiting for me behind the tree. It was the last present opened that morning and the only one I remember from that year.
I didn’t get an imitation Berreta, a .45, or any other type of handgun. Not that I expected to. I would have been less surprised to open a giant box of Playboys. The long box I unwrapped was the same as Ralphie’s; a Red Ryder,You’ll shoot your eye out kid! model rifle.
After my mom muttered under her breath, we picked up the torn paper and put it in the trash. Then I went to the back yard to shoot cans off the top ledge of the brick barbecue. This activity held my interest for 10-20 minutes on maybe two occasions. I didn’t want the BB gun for target practice. I wanted to feel cool.
This was a good year in our family history. My parent’s business was doing well and we’d moved out from the tiny house we’d lived in for the first fourteen years of my life to a much larger one in one of the city’s nicest neighborhoods. The house came with an alarm system, which it was my job to disable as soon as we opened the front door.
One early evening about two weeks after Christmas, we came home and unlocked the door to the usual bray of the alarm. I opened the closet door, punched in the three sets of two digits, and headed directly for the phone. At 14, the phone could have been fused to my palm and it would have gotten only slightly more use than it already did.
Ten minutes later I was pacing the den while my sister played Nintendo on the floor. I held the phone in my left hand and the rifle in my right, aiming the barrel right at the back of my sister’s head.
“Stop it, Sean!” she said.
I didn’t do anything obnoxious like shoot her with BB’s or pretend to kill her, but I continued to stand behind her, talking on the phone and keeping the rifle pointed at her. I’d been in the room for about ten minutes when I heard the beep of call waiting.
“Hold on,” I said. Then, “hello?“
“Hello, Sir. This is the Long Beach Police Department. We need you to come out with your hands up.”
“Nice try.” I clicked back over to my best friend Jimmy and explained that someone was trying to crank call the crank call king. Another beep. “Yeah?“
“This is the Long Beach Police Department, Sir. We need you to put your weapon down and step out of the house.”
I paused, no idea what to think. I looked at the rifle in my hand, still pointed at my sister, and swallowed. Rich confusion and mild fear mingled in my mind. “Is this for real?”
“Yes, Sir,” she said. “Is there someone else in the house we can speak to, or are you the one in charge?”
“Hold on.”
I crept into the kitchen. “The police are on the phone.” I said, slipping the receiver into my mom’s hands, which were still dripping with uncooked dinner. “They say they need to speak with you.”
“I don’t have time for this, Sean.”
“I think it’s serious.”
Just as she put her ear to the receiver, I saw a half dozen officers, guns drawn, sidling across the lawn and toward the wall of glass that divided outside from inside. It was pitch black outside, but the officers were illuminated by the steady beams of their flashlights. Suddenly, a bullhorn blared from outside, drowning the pulse of my own pounding heart.
“COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Seconds later, my mother, sister and I were opening the door to our house and descending the long set of stairs that would take us to street level. There were 13 cop cars in total. Nine from the LBPD, another four from the security company. A chopper thwapped in the sky overhead.
Though the situation was terrifying, something in the moment struck me as ridiculously funny. I started to laugh.
“BETTER WIPE THAT #$%&@!* SMILE OFF YOUR FACE,” the bullhorn said.
At the bottom stair, I was grabbed by an officer, shoved against the brick wall, and frisked from head to toe. My mother kept yelling, “What are you doing? We live here, we live here, we live here. I can prove it!”
After he calmed my mother and wiped the smile from my face, the officer in charge started to articulate just how dangerous the situation had actually been. While I was wandering a well-lit den with a BB gun pointed at my sister’s head for all the world to see, the Long Beach Police department was witnessing what they considered an escalating hostage situation.
The alarm, it turned out, had been the problem. Our code was something like, 33-34-43. That code meant, “All systems go. Everything’s A-OKAY here, good buddy. Thanks for asking!” However, I had accidentally entered something like, 34-33-43, which meant, “Please help me. Get here as soon as you can. We are being held prisoner by an intruder who is wielding a weapon and is right now at this moment making me disable the alarm. If you do not get here in the next ten minutes, we will all be dead.”
As the officer spoke, my mother’s eyes met mine with the raging inferno of every I told you so! from the last year rolled into one.
“Wait till your father gets home,” was an often used, yet rarely effective threat. But I spent that next hour, huddled in terror and waiting for the inevitable to murder me. When my father finally arrived, dinner was unmade and my mother was in a huff. He listened to the story, weighed the evidence, and finally declared that it was just one of those things.
At least I hadn’t shot my eye out.
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About Sean Platt
Good lord!
That is funny!
Long after the fact, of course. I imagine it was very terrifying at the time.
Funny now, though.
.-= Mike Goad´s last blog ..The cold continues =-.
Actually, it was sorta kinda funny then. Now my mom thinks it’s hysterical, and has been wanting me to write down this story ever since I started writing!
Good to see you, Mike. : )
Good lord!
That is funny!
Long after the fact, of course. I imagine it was very terrifying at the time.
Funny now, though.
.-= Mike Goad´s last blog ..The cold continues =-.
Actually, it was sorta kinda funny then. Now my mom thinks it’s hysterical, and has been wanting me to write down this story ever since I started writing!
Good to see you, Mike. : )
LOL! This is seriously the funniest thing I have read in a long, long time! I love it! Totally, and completely awesome. This rocks the universe in at least seven different directions.
.-= Jay Schryer´s last blog ..The Miracle =-.
Ha! Thanks, Jay. I’m glad you liked it. I think it’s been a while since I rocked the universe in anything more than three or four directions at a single time!
LOL! This is seriously the funniest thing I have read in a long, long time! I love it! Totally, and completely awesome. This rocks the universe in at least seven different directions.
.-= Jay Schryer´s last blog ..The Miracle =-.
Ha! Thanks, Jay. I’m glad you liked it. I think it’s been a while since I rocked the universe in anything more than three or four directions at a single time!
Well, thanks…the story is finally out! good job! I was so angry and scared at the time! The police officer let me know in very uncertain terms that what they saw was six foot two male pointing a gun at a little girl, and in a few minutes they would have shot you. And to think that I was mainly worried about you accidently shooting a pet or person with a BBgun! I did not believe you , the always clown,when you said the police were on the phone! I was irritated that I was being interrupted from fixing dinner for some foolish prank, and when it all became a reality it was terrifying to see my boy being manhandled by police as the neighborhood watched and wondered! Yes, today it is a classic Platt family story, funny as hell, but it is the kind of laughter of relief when you realize the scary is over and you survived.
Glad the cops didn’t waste you and you are here to tell the cautionary tale!
love you, mom
I just read it to the children, and told them that you’d been wanting me to write it for over a year. Mia said it was really funny and Max said I was “BAD!”
Yeah, time has rendered the story to comedy, though for me that length of time was somewhere around three hours or so. : )
See ya Thursday.
Well, thanks…the story is finally out! good job! I was so angry and scared at the time! The police officer let me know in very uncertain terms that what they saw was six foot two male pointing a gun at a little girl, and in a few minutes they would have shot you. And to think that I was mainly worried about you accidently shooting a pet or person with a BBgun! I did not believe you , the always clown,when you said the police were on the phone! I was irritated that I was being interrupted from fixing dinner for some foolish prank, and when it all became a reality it was terrifying to see my boy being manhandled by police as the neighborhood watched and wondered! Yes, today it is a classic Platt family story, funny as hell, but it is the kind of laughter of relief when you realize the scary is over and you survived.
Glad the cops didn’t waste you and you are here to tell the cautionary tale!
love you, mom
I just read it to the children, and told them that you’d been wanting me to write it for over a year. Mia said it was really funny and Max said I was “BAD!”
Yeah, time has rendered the story to comedy, though for me that length of time was somewhere around three hours or so. : )
See ya Thursday.
This just CAN’T be a real event!!! Honestly, this happened?? Oh my god, hilarious.
.-= Hayden Tompkins´s last blog ..Losing Weight: The Donut Diet =-.
Swear on my dirty underwear, yo. Real as rain. : )
This just CAN’T be a real event!!! Honestly, this happened?? Oh my god, hilarious.
.-= Hayden Tompkins´s last blog ..Losing Weight: The Donut Diet =-.
Swear on my dirty underwear, yo. Real as rain. : )
Ok, that is WAY better than the real Christmas Story plot! ROFL, You’ve got to use that somewhere because it rings of a Janet Evanovich-like book. :) :D :D
.-= Jamie Simmerman´s last blog ..Keeping it Real in Copywriting =-.
Yeah, I can’t wait to see this one play out in the someday movie of my life. : )
Ok, that is WAY better than the real Christmas Story plot! ROFL, You’ve got to use that somewhere because it rings of a Janet Evanovich-like book. :) :D :D
.-= Jamie Simmerman´s last blog ..Keeping it Real in Copywriting =-.
Yeah, I can’t wait to see this one play out in the someday movie of my life. : )
I knew it! I just knew it. I always thought your eyes were too close together. It all makes sense now. The low brow, the eyes too close together. You’re a gun toting maniac. Of course you are!
What a great story Sean. I loved this little insight into your family life. I really loved this part:
My mother said NO and my father stayed quiet.
Those few words tell a much bigger story. Delicious!
.-= Selfish´s last blog ..The All Day Cafe =-.
Yup, they sure do. But that other story’s quite long and you probably wouldn’t want to hear it. Unless you do, in which case I better get started. Is next week good for you?
I knew it! I just knew it. I always thought your eyes were too close together. It all makes sense now. The low brow, the eyes too close together. You’re a gun toting maniac. Of course you are!
What a great story Sean. I loved this little insight into your family life. I really loved this part:
My mother said NO and my father stayed quiet.
Those few words tell a much bigger story. Delicious!
.-= Selfish´s last blog ..The All Day Cafe =-.
Yup, they sure do. But that other story’s quite long and you probably wouldn’t want to hear it. Unless you do, in which case I better get started. Is next week good for you?
Thanks- I’ll be giggling all day. :)
.-= Kim, Rambling Family Manager´s last blog ..Government =-.
You’re quite welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed it. The emails on this one are keeping me giggling as well!
Have a great day filled with giggles, Kim!
Thanks- I’ll be giggling all day. :)
.-= Kim, Rambling Family Manager´s last blog ..Government =-.
You’re quite welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed it. The emails on this one are keeping me giggling as well!
Have a great day filled with giggles, Kim!
So….now you have two strikes left? :-)
Nah, I was a minor. They totally let me off the hook.
Oh wait… I forgot about that thing when I was 18.
Yup, two strikes left! : )
So….now you have two strikes left? :-)
Nah, I was a minor. They totally let me off the hook.
Oh wait… I forgot about that thing when I was 18.
Yup, two strikes left! : )
Sublime.
I need to print this out and disperse at the next family gathering – I guarantee you we’ll all be laughing our arses off!
Thanks for sharing!
.-= Lori´s last blog ..My Writing Life: An Answered Question =-.
Hi Lori,
My pleasure. And thanks for the “sublime.” That’s the sort of compliment I can carry with me all day! : )
.-= Sean´s last blog ..There are 3 Types of Author – Which One Are You? =-.
Sublime.
I need to print this out and disperse at the next family gathering – I guarantee you we’ll all be laughing our arses off!
Thanks for sharing!
.-= Lori´s last blog ..My Writing Life: An Answered Question =-.
Hi Lori,
My pleasure. And thanks for the “sublime.” That’s the sort of compliment I can carry with me all day! : )
.-= Sean´s last blog ..There are 3 Types of Author – Which One Are You? =-.
I think I can use this in my novel. No one ever reads what I write so I think I’ll get away with it. Worth the risk.
Creativity’s borrowed, my man. Change the names to protect the innocent and your good to go!
.-= Sean´s last blog ..There are 3 Types of Author – Which One Are You? =-.
I think I can use this in my novel. No one ever reads what I write so I think I’ll get away with it. Worth the risk.
Creativity’s borrowed, my man. Change the names to protect the innocent and your good to go!
.-= Sean´s last blog ..There are 3 Types of Author – Which One Are You? =-.
Sean,
I thought stuff like this only happened in my family. Hysterical! I will be laughing the rest of the evening. I also think it is pretty kool your Mom has started commenting on your stuff.
Too funny.
.-= Michelle Gillies´s last blog ..Alarming Lesson! =-.
She’s been commenting for a while. Actually, I blush to say, she’s one of my biggest fans.
Thanks, as always, Michelle. You’re awesome!
.-= Sean´s last blog ..There are 3 Types of Author – Which One Are You? =-.
Sean,
I thought stuff like this only happened in my family. Hysterical! I will be laughing the rest of the evening. I also think it is pretty kool your Mom has started commenting on your stuff.
Too funny.
.-= Michelle Gillies´s last blog ..Alarming Lesson! =-.
She’s been commenting for a while. Actually, I blush to say, she’s one of my biggest fans.
Thanks, as always, Michelle. You’re awesome!
.-= Sean´s last blog ..There are 3 Types of Author – Which One Are You? =-.
Whoa, crazy story.
And I did not know that’s how alarms work.
.-= Kelvin Kao´s last blog ..Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010 =-.
Me neither! But I found out the hard/funny way. : )
.-= Sean´s last blog ..There are 3 Types of Author – Which One Are You? =-.
Whoa, crazy story.
And I did not know that’s how alarms work.
.-= Kelvin Kao´s last blog ..Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010 =-.
Me neither! But I found out the hard/funny way. : )
.-= Sean´s last blog ..There are 3 Types of Author – Which One Are You? =-.
That’s quite an adventure there!!
Believe it or not, this sometimes happens when punching in a wrong code but not that incident with the BB gun – very classic!!
Some systems employ the use of a “DURESS” feature which is a code that is pre-programmed in the system with other systems sending a duress alarm when all but one correct digit is entered, to permit the systen to be operated by entering a special code if you’re under duress hence the word DURESS. The system would disarm as normally would with any code, but will silently send out a signal notifying the central station and police that the system was disarmed under force.
A squad of police cars will come runnin’ to your premises in a flash.
This coming from an alarm system expert.
A blog was recently posted about me just this morning, an alarming lesson in Michelle Gillies’ blog.
Cheers,
Russell
Hi Russel,
Nice to meet you!
Thanks for the background info on alarm systems – I had no idea! And yeah, the BB gun turns it into a classic. : )
That’s quite an adventure there!!
Believe it or not, this sometimes happens when punching in a wrong code but not that incident with the BB gun – very classic!!
Some systems employ the use of a “DURESS” feature which is a code that is pre-programmed in the system with other systems sending a duress alarm when all but one correct digit is entered, to permit the systen to be operated by entering a special code if you’re under duress hence the word DURESS. The system would disarm as normally would with any code, but will silently send out a signal notifying the central station and police that the system was disarmed under force.
A squad of police cars will come runnin’ to your premises in a flash.
This coming from an alarm system expert.
A blog was recently posted about me just this morning, an alarming lesson in Michelle Gillies’ blog.
Cheers,
Russell
Hi Russel,
Nice to meet you!
Thanks for the background info on alarm systems – I had no idea! And yeah, the BB gun turns it into a classic. : )
Geez, I bet Ralphie never thought anything like that could possibly happen. Maybe you should have traded that gun for one with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time.
.-= Charlie Hills´s last blog ..Spam =-.
I SHOULD have traded it in for a large, plastic leg lamp!
I don’t know. I hear those things are quite fra-gee-lay.
.-= Charlie Hills´s last blog ..Spam =-.
LOL! Awesome. : )
Geez, I bet Ralphie never thought anything like that could possibly happen. Maybe you should have traded that gun for one with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time.
.-= Charlie Hills´s last blog ..Spam =-.
I SHOULD have traded it in for a large, plastic leg lamp!
I don’t know. I hear those things are quite fra-gee-lay.
.-= Charlie Hills´s last blog ..Spam =-.
LOL! Awesome. : )
HAHA! That’s a GREAT story. You should be glad they didn’t go all sniper, shoot first ask questions second on you.
As for the box of Playboys, no matter how many times I asked Santa, he never brought me said box.
I thought it would’ve been cool if the HAD sniped me, but just a knick, you know? Enough to get me a fat settlement and a sports car or two.
Playboys – Santa likes to keep them for himself. He’s sick of looking at elves all day!
HAHA! That’s a GREAT story. You should be glad they didn’t go all sniper, shoot first ask questions second on you.
As for the box of Playboys, no matter how many times I asked Santa, he never brought me said box.
I thought it would’ve been cool if the HAD sniped me, but just a knick, you know? Enough to get me a fat settlement and a sports car or two.
Playboys – Santa likes to keep them for himself. He’s sick of looking at elves all day!
Ok, I just spit coffee out my nose.
Santa’s ellf porn? You should send that one to the Bloggess. I think that’s her area of expertise.
.-= Jamie Simmerman´s last blog ..SEO and Writing News Worth Reading =-.
Seriously, you should see it. Stuff’s nasty. Lots of candy canes and tinsel. And the lighting is terrible. All those garish twinkling lights give me a headache. Santa too.
Ok, I just spit coffee out my nose.
Santa’s ellf porn? You should send that one to the Bloggess. I think that’s her area of expertise.
.-= Jamie Simmerman´s last blog ..SEO and Writing News Worth Reading =-.
Seriously, you should see it. Stuff’s nasty. Lots of candy canes and tinsel. And the lighting is terrible. All those garish twinkling lights give me a headache. Santa too.
I think my son’s middle name should be ‘Sean’. What a howl! Did you know you can buy ‘Brick’ guns? Lego replicas of any bad boy shooter you could ever want (very cool)… I have been disarming requests for those for sometime. One of my ‘reasons’ for not allowing him to run wildy through the park playing shootup games with his friends (though totally innocent) runs along the lines of ‘they look too real and others wont understand, nor want to take chances’. Now I have back up for that, thanks on many levels :-)
Ah, Trina. As always, you are quite welcome.
(I used to spray paint my neon guns black)
I think my son’s middle name should be ‘Sean’. What a howl! Did you know you can buy ‘Brick’ guns? Lego replicas of any bad boy shooter you could ever want (very cool)… I have been disarming requests for those for sometime. One of my ‘reasons’ for not allowing him to run wildy through the park playing shootup games with his friends (though totally innocent) runs along the lines of ‘they look too real and others wont understand, nor want to take chances’. Now I have back up for that, thanks on many levels :-)
Ah, Trina. As always, you are quite welcome.
(I used to spray paint my neon guns black)
Maybe your readers would like to know about your other “gun” adventures:
l. When I had to go bail your and jimmy’s asses out of Disneyland for pretending to be snipers on the monorail.
2. When I had to bail your and jimmy’s asses out of Cerritos Mall for terrorizing
the shoppers with super-soakers
Maybe your readers would like to know about your other “gun” adventures:
l. When I had to go bail your and jimmy’s asses out of Disneyland for pretending to be snipers on the monorail.
2. When I had to bail your and jimmy’s asses out of Cerritos Mall for terrorizing
the shoppers with super-soakers
Pshaw… those stories aren’t nearly as exciting! :)
No, but they’re deliciously embarrassing no doubt? :D
.-= Selfish´s last blog ..How To Tie Shoelaces: A Forgotten Skill? =-.
No, not too embarrassing. The first one was when my best friend and I were at Disneyland. We had these plastic pellet guns and we were PRETENDING to shoot them out the window. Well, when we disembarked, there were some Disney police ready to take us to Disney jail, where they tossed in the happiest cell on earth for a while, until the old lady came down to get us.
The second story is and always has been a giant exaggeration by my mom. She didn’t have to bail us out of anything, and my friend Jimmy wasn’t even involved. We were at the mall with a day camp group, playing guns in the mall. Since that was something we weren’t supposed to do, our weapons were confiscated. I asked my mom to request them back since they were my favorites and everything. But we didn’t involve anyone in our play other than the group of kids who were playing. There’s nothing to that story.
Pshaw… those stories aren’t nearly as exciting! :)
No, but they’re deliciously embarrassing no doubt? :D
.-= Selfish´s last blog ..How To Tie Shoelaces: A Forgotten Skill? =-.
No, not too embarrassing. The first one was when my best friend and I were at Disneyland. We had these plastic pellet guns and we were PRETENDING to shoot them out the window. Well, when we disembarked, there were some Disney police ready to take us to Disney jail, where they tossed in the happiest cell on earth for a while, until the old lady came down to get us.
The second story is and always has been a giant exaggeration by my mom. She didn’t have to bail us out of anything, and my friend Jimmy wasn’t even involved. We were at the mall with a day camp group, playing guns in the mall. Since that was something we weren’t supposed to do, our weapons were confiscated. I asked my mom to request them back since they were my favorites and everything. But we didn’t involve anyone in our play other than the group of kids who were playing. There’s nothing to that story.
That was a highly entertaining story.
Thanks, Joseph! I appreciate the compliment.
It's wonderful to meet you. :)
That is a fantastic story. Good thing the police didn't sniper your butt! I would have thought it was a fake call as well. Who would think that the police were really responding to what they thought was a bad situation.
Hi, Chuck!
Thanks for the comment.
Yeah, I never would've known. It is rather unbelievable. The story is legend among my family by this point, though I've yet to tell it to my own children. I think next year's the year!
I just posted a clip with a link back. I think I'll put it on Digg as well. Again, a great story. Nice job. :-)
I got the trackback. Thanks!
I'd love to see it on Digg. Let me know if there's anything I can do to grease the story.
Nice to meet you, Chuck.
Knowing that I have help and assistance with the push of a button gives me peace of mind. TTI Guardian provides great service with Duress Alarms. Also, the installation and operation is very simple to use. Check out their website for more information at http://ttiguardian.com.
Great work guys .keep up with your good work.We always look forward to your work.