NOTE: This is a guest post from Lori Hoeck from ThinkLikeABlackbelt.
In the white-water rapids of parenting – when work, visiting relatives, or perhaps that needed car repair threaten to swamp your raft – it’s hard to rearrange competing priorities.
Sometimes it’s all you can do to lift your paddle, or drag your fingers over the side.
But sometimes, there’s a tug at your attention.
“Move this one up in the queue,” it says.
- Perhaps it’s a new way of eating after a friend’s child is diagnosed with diabetes.
- Perhaps it’s a CPR class when your mom moves in with the family.
- Perhaps it’s insistence that you will all take a vacation as soon as a good deal pops up.
Today, Betsy Wuebker and I would like you to add one more thing, an understanding that will help you and your children dodge heartache, betrayal, and stress. It’s something you may have never heard of, or maybe rarely think about outside of abstract terms.
Until it’s standing dead in front of you like a wall of concrete and you find yourself going far too fast to stop.
What are we talking about?
Recognizing a narcissist.
Most times, the word “narcissist” is applied to simple ego-maniacs or attention-seekers.
But narcissists are more, much more than that.
They can make you feel guilt and demand you take the blame for all their ills. They will use every trick in the book to keep you squirming under their thumb. They finesse and skillfully manipulate situations as easily as you sip at a cup of coffee. They build themselves up at the expense of others. Their machinations can lead to feelings of dread, depression and other disorders in those with whom they’re involved.
Their need to do this, like any addictive behavior, will escalate after they’ve used up their existing narcissistic supply. Even more frightening – the idea that one could be zeroing in on your child.
Think Venus Fly trap.
Think sweet poison.
Think primrose path.
Think predator.
As parents, we spend an inordinate amount of time concerning ourselves with boosting our child’s self-esteem. Yet few of us consider, much less know, the essential strategies we need to protect against a narcissist. And if we don’t know or consider how to protect ourselves from being victimized, how ever are we going to equip our children with the skills to do the same?
Betsy and I have written a guide that addresses just that.
In The Narcissist: A User’s Guide, we pull the rug from under a toxic dynamic that serves the narcissist while sucking the life from his prey. We help you turn the tables. Instead of being used, you can use our tips and scripts to stand your ground. And, you can teach your child to be positively assertive in the face of a probe by a narcissist, causing the predator to slink away in search of easier prey.
If you have formerly been involved with a narcissist, you already know how difficult it can be to leave the relationship. If you’re currently in a relationship with a narcissist, you may have been concerned about modeling an inappropriate perception of life in front of your child.
There’s no way to completely heal if there’s even a remote chance you might find yourself in a repeat situation.
Our guide can help.
We teach you how to spot narcissistic behavior and cover why the narcissistic response is dangerous. We include stories and anecdotes submitted by a variety of individuals who have been involved with narcissists. You may see some parallels to puzzling or frustrating behaviors within relationships you’ve experienced. Plus, we show you what to do once you’ve assessed the situation to change your responses and ultimately neutralize additional harm.
You’ll want to read The Narcissist: A User’s Guide. You may want to pass it along to someone you know. When you read it, you may recognize individuals in your own life who have displayed characteristics or have played a role in a narcissistic relationship. You’ll begin to think about arming your child with age-appropriate defenses, including additional awareness on your part, to avoid the downward spiral participating in a toxic dynamic can trigger.
Our job as parents is to acquaint our children with the good and teach them to treat it with preference.
We want to encourage our children to embrace life in an open and giving way, but we must protect their sweet natures if we wish for them grow into healthy individuals with loving relationships that thrive on reciprocity of spirit.
A narcissist has no place in all that. Let’s make sure they get out and stay out.
Download the e-book here.
About Sean Platt
Good morning Sean, Cindy and Lori !
Sean, thank you so much for the forum to get this message out. It's early here in Minnesota so I may have missed the download link embedded in the post. Here's one: http://bit.ly/bZRQQZ and of course should readers visit Think Like A Black Belt or PassingThru, they'll find it, too.
We've realized there is much more to write on this subject, and part of that is gathering stories and anecdotes as examples. We're hoping folks who have a story they're willing to share would do so either in the comments or send it to us by email. Many more people than we realize may feel trapped in a hopeless relationship with a narcissist. We must be vigilant about providing the necessary skills for our children to neutralize and discourage an overture that could lead to victimization. Thanks so much for your support, Sean and Cindy.
Is it just me or can anyone else see the inherent danger in these kinds of books?
I'm sorry Lori, I really am, but neither you or Betsy have the qualifications necessary to write a book on this matter. As commendable as it is to want to help “just one person”, there is little to no consideration given to the amount of psychological damage you may cause others.
I downloaded the book yesterday, read through it and even with my very limited knowledge of psychology I can see that you've taken sound psychological concepts and twisted them to fit into the book.
Take Narcisstic Personality Disorder itself; it “affects between 0.7 and 1 percent of the general population” – http://www.psychiatric-disorders.com/articles/p…
And yet the generalisations you make in the book means that everyone, myself included, can be labelled as a narcissist.
As such, I fear some will take your book, misdiagnose their situation and end up wielding it like a child that has found his dad's shotgun.
Having some background in psychology studies, I have to agree with Welshscribe. I read the ebook after it was pointed out to me by a friend, and I found it very generalized and dangerous. Like Welshscribe mentioned, everyone I know, including myself, can easily be labeled incorrectly.
The prevalence of narcissism as a disorder in the general population is about 1%. Maaaaybe slightly more. But according to this ebook, almost anyone – parents, teachers, police officers – are raving narcissists. I disagree highly with that implication, and I'm quite concerned that many people are going to read this and run around labeling the people they have conflict with as narcissists, when in actual fact, it's just two people not getting along.
There's another key: two people. It always takes two to tango, and pointing to the other party as being to blame is an irresponsible mindset. Yes, there are some cases where it really is the other person's fault, but in most cases, fault lies on both sides. And, the one pointing out at someone else as being the problem is very often the one with the most blame to shoulder, in my opinion.
I would have much rather read an ebook that dealt with taking ownership for our responsibilities in relationships that didn't work out or that resulted in conflict. The attitude of, “It's not me, it's him!” or, “It's not my fault,” is a true ostrich mindset. Head in the sand.
But, people don't like to work at themselves and look in the mirror, so sadly they look for reasons and excuses “this” happened to them. And that's why I find this ebook dangerous – because many readers are going to leap up and say, “That's it!!! This is why my marriage/coworker/boss relationship isn't working!!! A NARCISSIST!!!”
Prevalence: 1% of the population. Try again.
and that is exactly what they want you to do. Take the blame for what they do. It is the cycle. Especially for passive aggressive narcissists. I really hope your not in the field of giving advise to others! I have been in psychotherapy for over 8 months to “learn” how to “NOT” blame myself!!! They teach you to do that! IT is not the victim’s fault EVER! It is like telling a rape victim they are to blame! Very sympathetic of you! Accept your responcibilities? The only one accepting responcibility for anything in a relationship with a N is any one but, the N!
Yes she will take many more precautions in the future to avoid this again and maybe she should have to begin with but, just because she did not watch every little thing she didn’t does not mean in anyway she was responcible for his diluted and sick mind.
It is so hard to break free from the abuse. Don’t confuse people into thinking there are only 1% of the population that are like this. Look up Narcissistic see how many there really are. Narcissistic personality disorder may only be psychologically diagnosed to 1% of the population. But, anyone with any psychological knowlegde knows that is not in reality the truth. I think you mean sociopathic or psychopathic. These people are abusive and self centered. They are manipulative and cruel. You read all the stories about abuse, bullying, and it will start to become clear. She was not pretending to be a psychologist. I would have given anything to know there were really people like this out there. To know how to see them before they hit you with their real personality.
Hi Sean,
Thank you for letting Betsy and I guest post here today! We've been getting great feedback about how empowering the ebook is and that the focus on personal responsibility for the relationship in chapter six is very helpful.
Just to clarify, I did want to add this from the Mayo Clinic:
“Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
“Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and in other areas of their life, such as work or school.”
Another generalisation Lori.
What about the statistic that Narcissistic Personality Disorder only affects around 1% of the general population?
Yet, according to your book, I am a narcissist because I have done *everything* you said a narcissist does in an argument with friends, family and even my fiancée.
However, my friends, family and even my fiancée has done the *exact* same thing to me.
For every person that you are helping, that you are empowering, how many are you harming? How many of those are false positives?
I like to read dialogue between folk I respect. To add another perspective here, I'd just like to say I haven't read the ebook because I've already read Lori's posts about Dark Hearts, as she called them. I enjoyed them; they made me think about and examine behavioural patterns – not just occasional behaviours – in myself and others. I also enjoyed Marc's black belt insights and gentle wisdom in his Daily Aikido blog. What both of these black belt friends of mine have in common is a desire to pass on aspects of the aware, alert, wise and intuitive mindsets that keep us out of danger in the first place, or calm enough to cope and survive if we're faced with threatening people and situations. Reading these comments today made me smile; I'm proud to have friends who care enough about the welfare of strangers to want to make a difference, and who are brave enough to speak up for what they believe in.
More of this bothers me, and I really feel quite strongly about this, so I'm going to write my thoughts out. I think I may have scared away the authors, but I really believe that this merits some calm discussion and polite debate. Anyways, onwards.
There are not only the authors that who were purportedly involved with narcissists but some personal stories of other people within the ebook as well. While I don't discredit anyone's personal experience, because that is their perceptions of events and thus valid, the math and statistics just aren't supporting this enough for me to feel comfortable.
It's nearly impossible that so many people (I'm assuming throughout the United States) not only had relationships with narcissists, but furthermore managed to meet each other coincidentally. Could it happen? Sure – but the odds are severely against it. There are a lot of people in the States, and again, only about 1% have a true narcissist disorder.
Also a question I have – were any of the purported narcissists medically diagnosed with the disorder? Again, maybe they were, and that's fine, but I'm really incredulous at how many people suddenly seem to be coming out.
It's really important, when exploring psychological issues, to remember that there's a huge difference between an actual medical issue and just someone who behaves badly. Plenty of people walk around saying, “Oh, I have ADD,” or, “I must have Alzheimer's,” but that doesn't make it a reality. We all have forgetful moments or times where we can't follow a list or periods where we show some ego, but that doesn't point to psychological issues. Nor does getting on the bandwagon and bringing everyone along help.
Educate, yes, but where in the ebook does it say, “This is really not a common disorder,” or, “Most people are not narcissists.” It doesn't. This concerns me. By reading something generalized, implicative and assumptive, we can all point to people in our lives and suddenly label them with a diagnosis to explain their behaviour (or even worse, our own behaviour!) – when we are in no way qualified to do so.
I'm also wondering what the ultimate goal of giving away this free ebook might be. Is there some kind of service coming afterwards and it's a lead-in? Is it just a nice (albeit harmful, I feel) gesture for the world? Very rarely do people invest their time and money to give something away for free and without some other plan in behind it. What's the motive?
I'll go lay off the coffee now and stop rambling on – clearly I've had more than my fair share!
Seems to me that there are seeds for some good conversation, debate and dialogue here.
But we need more people in the garden.
Ahh but Sean, us narcissists must be ignored. Can't feed us what we want ;)
You can never have too many people in the garden, unless of course they are standing on your rose bushes. I hate when that happens.
You can have too few people in the garden, though! That's when stuff just withers and dies. :(
As an educator and a mother I felt this information gave me a few aha moments. I appreciate in the e-book the preface: “draw you own conclusions” based on your experiences and what you have observed. I feel keeping it all in perspective there is an awareness that can be gained.
Narcissists are extremely hard to read, the depth of the insanity is only apparent to those closest to them, it is not apparent to just anyone, a malignant narcissist isn't detectable sometimes even by the most trained of psychologists, you have to be very close to them. Simple charm and grandiose ideas doesn't describe the degree to which these folks cross over the line into real insanity. There is a neuron in the brain somewhere that can tell us why these folks don't function right, I would just like to know why they haven't located that neuron just yet, I mean look how long ago Hitler happened.
Also, keep in mind that it is possible for narcissists to travel in groups, once again I hate to point out that Hitler and the Nazi party were extreme malignant narcissists, so yes you can have a massive amount of people that are narcissistic, it is not impossible. Erich Fromm first mention group narcissism. I agree that you cannot generalize, it takes a very well trained, and I mean on the profiler level do identify a real malignant narcissist. Some people term it as the inability to form long lasting relationships, this is not so, Hitler had a long term relationship with Eva, was a real part of the Nazi regime.
The really sad part is that you have junior psychologists and wanna-be psychologists, who have had no life experience with true narcissists – trying to diagnose people who may not really be a narcissist at all. I believe the experts when they say, a true malignant narcissist cannot be captured.
I think these authors have made it clear they are survivors of severe narcissistic abuse. They do not claim to be psychiatrists nor mental health professionals. They offer this information because there is very little help for the people who are the abused. I know, because I am one. I wish there had been just a little more information out there so I could have figured out what the hell was happening to me a little sooner! The instance of narcissism in our society is very under reported. Psychiatrists themselves have stated this over and over. It is not in the best interest of the narcissist to get help. In their mind, they are not the one who needs help! Hence, the reported numbers are very low. Again, this is stated in the budding research being done on this subject.
Beware of the negative posters. One of the Interesting behaviors I have noticed is that narcissists themselves seek these posts out to negate them.
The authors have clearly stated “Draw your own conclusions, and if this helps, then great”. I don’t believe it is necessary or warranted to criticize.
I am the step mother to a beautiful step daughter who is 6 years old and is in terrible danger because her Mother is a text book Narcissist and most likely a Malignant Narcissist, who is a teacher and claims to be a Christian….it makes me sick to watch what is happening to her and I feel so helpless because the courts do not have any legislation that protects children who have narcissistic parents…they are way more dangerous than a drug addict because they get away with the abuse everyday…who protects these children????? I need help if anyone out there knows of any such organization…. HELP ME PLEASE…..