“I can live for two months on a good compliment.”
~Mark Twain
Anyone who questions the power of praise, should test its undiluted strength on any random pack of children.
Picture this:
A dozen kids are sitting around a table, waiting on their wedges of fruit. The youngest, at eighteen months, is mashing his mitts on the table; the oldest is sitting quietly with his hands braided into a nest in the seat of his lap. The remaining wee-ones are scattered in varying shenanigans.
“My goodness,” I say. I draw my breath, and send my eyebrows climbing. “Look how well William is waiting.”
Instant hush hovers over the table, thicker than if I’d said Santa was in surveillance.
“I’m being patient, Mr. Sean.”
This voice tweets from a toddler who, a split second before was yodeling Yankee Doodle. His declaration fills the air, chased by an avalanche of echos. Even the tiniest tot looks up from his high chair, relaxes his hands, and begins to wildly clap.
We all long for validation. It is as much a part of our DNA as the tint of our eyes, only less visible, and infinitely more important.
With my own children, I never let sun and sky split without letting them know how proud I am of precisely who they are. Their ears perk as they stand straight and smile wide, swelling to fill the outline I’ve drawn around them. This verbal applause gives my words gravity. My children love it when I tell them great job, but are loathe to find me upset, disappointed, or angry.
This isn’t new age hokum I’m spitting from the right side of my brain. There’s plenty of research to document the infinite advantage of regular praise. I know of no analysis to disprove the theory.
There is something inside each of us, that steady beat that makes us human, always searching for a rhythm to follow, eager to find license to a tempo that’s true. We never shed this need for compliments, any more than we do our need for sun. Like with our star, we can burn our soul if we soak too much, but this is still far preferable to the threatening gray of a rainy day.
Each day, Daisy tells me that she’s proud of me, and then she tells me why. I do the same for her. That may seem corny to some, but it isn’t; it’s feeding our flames with the finest of fuel, from the purest provenance possible.
We must practice praise with our children. It’s important for who they are, and who they will one day be. We must of course tell them how they can do better, but we must also never forget to tell them what they have done well. There is nothing quite like watching them recapture the magic.
Writer Dad
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Namas Daisy is talking about too much TV. You’ll find that here.
About Sean Platt
I think everyone knows this by now. We all just have to practice it and make it a habit. Start with your own home, your own kids, your own family, then build…
Chriss last blog post..Opportunity Amidst Economic Distress
I think everyone knows this by now. We all just have to practice it and make it a habit. Start with your own home, your own kids, your own family, then build…
Chriss last blog post..Opportunity Amidst Economic Distress
Eric: Well said. Children don’t have the ego we do. They don’t mind expressing when they are hurt or upset… or in need of our affection.
Bamboo: I have no problem expressing when something can be done better, but it is unrealistic to believe a person will rise to the occasion when they are often beat down and rarely propped up.
Oktober 5: Thanks for the high five. I thought you might want to give me a digital punch in the teeth for that one. I’m unfamiliar with the site, but I will check it out after dinner tonight. I meant everything I said about your writing. Strong voice, and original. The first thing I read that you wrote, I believe, was the piece on the difference between Linux, OS X, and Windows users. I thought it was good, but I had nothing clever to add so I didn’t. (Besides, for one of the first times ever, I felt bad for loving my Mac).
Evelyn: That’s the key… every now and then. When they expect it, then we’ve gone too far in the other direction.
Janine: That is darling. I don’t think it’s cheesy, or lovey-dovey (but then again, look who you’re talking to). We are constantly being recreated. All our moments matter.
Kyddryn: I believe that praise works for us grownups as well as for children, though sometimes I’m sure it might take a little longer. Don’t worry about the extra comment, it’s easy to fix (and I’ve done the same thing many a time).
Kyddryn: I believe that praise works for us grownups as well as for children, though sometimes I’m sure it might take a little longer. Don’t worry about the extra comment, it’s easy to fix (and I’ve done the same thing many a time).
Kip de Moll: I think that is a danger. Too much of anything can be a detriment. Praise is like everything else, it must come in good measure. I know nothing about the situation with your ex-wife, but I’m inclined to agree. Mutual praise softens the hard times.
Janice: I COULDN”T AGREE MORE.
Rita: Great point, and not brought up yet. Unexpected praise has an exponential benefit, and we are in full agreement; praise should be earned, not expected.
Vered: Thanks, Vered. I agree with Friar too. Empty praise, in some ways I believe, is worse than no praise at all. Artificial belief in our abilities is a handicap we should never give our children.
Orlund: Yes it does. Giggles and Wiggles… I’ll HAVE to check that out.
Jamie: I like that. I think “You’re a good egg” might have to make it to the West Coast.
Chris: Can you even imagine what we could build, given enough time and consistency?
Eric: Well said. Children don’t have the ego we do. They don’t mind expressing when they are hurt or upset… or in need of our affection.
Bamboo: I have no problem expressing when something can be done better, but it is unrealistic to believe a person will rise to the occasion when they are often beat down and rarely propped up.
Oktober 5: Thanks for the high five. I thought you might want to give me a digital punch in the teeth for that one. I’m unfamiliar with the site, but I will check it out after dinner tonight. I meant everything I said about your writing. Strong voice, and original. The first thing I read that you wrote, I believe, was the piece on the difference between Linux, OS X, and Windows users. I thought it was good, but I had nothing clever to add so I didn’t. (Besides, for one of the first times ever, I felt bad for loving my Mac).
Evelyn: That’s the key… every now and then. When they expect it, then we’ve gone too far in the other direction.
Janine: That is darling. I don’t think it’s cheesy, or lovey-dovey (but then again, look who you’re talking to). We are constantly being recreated. All our moments matter.
Kyddryn: I believe that praise works for us grownups as well as for children, though sometimes I’m sure it might take a little longer. Don’t worry about the extra comment, it’s easy to fix (and I’ve done the same thing many a time).
Kyddryn: I believe that praise works for us grownups as well as for children, though sometimes I’m sure it might take a little longer. Don’t worry about the extra comment, it’s easy to fix (and I’ve done the same thing many a time).
Kip de Moll: I think that is a danger. Too much of anything can be a detriment. Praise is like everything else, it must come in good measure. I know nothing about the situation with your ex-wife, but I’m inclined to agree. Mutual praise softens the hard times.
Janice: I COULDN”T AGREE MORE.
Rita: Great point, and not brought up yet. Unexpected praise has an exponential benefit, and we are in full agreement; praise should be earned, not expected.
Vered: Thanks, Vered. I agree with Friar too. Empty praise, in some ways I believe, is worse than no praise at all. Artificial belief in our abilities is a handicap we should never give our children.
Orlund: Yes it does. Giggles and Wiggles… I’ll HAVE to check that out.
Jamie: I like that. I think “You’re a good egg” might have to make it to the West Coast.
Chris: Can you even imagine what we could build, given enough time and consistency?
Hi Sean: I agree that praise is vitally important, for both children and adults. One of the most important things you can do in a relationship is praise the person that you’re with constantly. It makes them feel special and at the same time it makes you realize how lucky you are to have someone who is so worthy of praise in your life.
Marelisas last blog post..Eradicating Poverty Through Human Ingenuity – Blog Action Day 2008
Hi Sean: I agree that praise is vitally important, for both children and adults. One of the most important things you can do in a relationship is praise the person that you’re with constantly. It makes them feel special and at the same time it makes you realize how lucky you are to have someone who is so worthy of praise in your life.
Marelisas last blog post..Eradicating Poverty Through Human Ingenuity – Blog Action Day 2008
I agree with this totally. Praise is something that brings upon self-esteem. Self-esteem in turn brings upon confidence and confidence brings upon anything a child wants to be. The three go hand in hand together.
Crickets last blog post..The Touch of a Hand
I agree with this totally. Praise is something that brings upon self-esteem. Self-esteem in turn brings upon confidence and confidence brings upon anything a child wants to be. The three go hand in hand together.
Crickets last blog post..The Touch of a Hand
@WD: Had I known digital punches in the teeth were possible, I would have done so. Is there a site I can go to for that, or…?
That operating system post was at the tail end of my initial attempt to be funny. I think the ones before that were more lol-worthy. But like you say, it’s hard to resurrect old posts.
@WD: Had I known digital punches in the teeth were possible, I would have done so. Is there a site I can go to for that, or…?
That operating system post was at the tail end of my initial attempt to be funny. I think the ones before that were more lol-worthy. But like you say, it’s hard to resurrect old posts.
” …swelling to fill the outline I’ve drawn around them … ”
Wow. That says it all, doesn’t it?
I love how you write like that.
SpaceAgeSage — Loris last blog post..Requesting help from my readers
” …swelling to fill the outline I’ve drawn around them … ”
Wow. That says it all, doesn’t it?
I love how you write like that.
SpaceAgeSage — Loris last blog post..Requesting help from my readers
Right. There can’t be too much affirmation. It would solve many family problems if we are more generous with our praises.
katys last blog post..Is the fashion industry sexualizing our girls?
Right. There can’t be too much affirmation. It would solve many family problems if we are more generous with our praises.
katys last blog post..Is the fashion industry sexualizing our girls?
I know it’s probably been mentioned but praise just does wonders for their self-esteem. I’ve noticed this with my step-daughters, and being the only strong male influence in their life, it seemed weird to them when I told them good job or that I was proud of them. They need that healthy affirmation along with a few hugs through out the day.
CK Lunchboxs last blog post..Condescending Interface
I know it’s probably been mentioned but praise just does wonders for their self-esteem. I’ve noticed this with my step-daughters, and being the only strong male influence in their life, it seemed weird to them when I told them good job or that I was proud of them. They need that healthy affirmation along with a few hugs through out the day.
CK Lunchboxs last blog post..Condescending Interface
Well, I was GOING to subscribe to the theories espoused in the 1950′s bestseller, “How To Parent Like A Man, Dammit” in which you constantly belittle your son and use the hand over the hot stove technique of discipline.
Seriously, though, great post. (see, a compliment!) I already started filling my son’s bucket with positive affirmations when he does new things. Not sure how to get him to stop drawing on the walls with crayons yet, though.
Blogger Dads last blog post..Our baby story – Part One: “Surprise, I’m pregnant”
Well, I was GOING to subscribe to the theories espoused in the 1950′s bestseller, “How To Parent Like A Man, Dammit” in which you constantly belittle your son and use the hand over the hot stove technique of discipline.
Seriously, though, great post. (see, a compliment!) I already started filling my son’s bucket with positive affirmations when he does new things. Not sure how to get him to stop drawing on the walls with crayons yet, though.
Blogger Dads last blog post..Our baby story – Part One: “Surprise, I’m pregnant”
Marelisa: That’s a good point. Praise isn’t just for the person receiving, it’s for the person giving as well. Absolutely true, Marelisa.
Cricket: And then they skip.
Oktober Five: http://digitalfightclub.com/I-am-writerdad's-sense-of-humor
Lori: It does, and thank you.
Katy: I couldn’t agree more.
CK Lunchbox: That’s a whole other post. We’re the model for the eventual man in their life. It’s a profound responsibility, and we should always be mindful.
Blogger Dad: Thanks for the compliment, Blogger Dad!!! I feel all gooey inside. Rather than answer that here, I will send you a video shortly. You may have already seen it at Ron’s place. Even if you have, it will still be amazing.
Marelisa: That’s a good point. Praise isn’t just for the person receiving, it’s for the person giving as well. Absolutely true, Marelisa.
Cricket: And then they skip.
Oktober Five: http://digitalfightclub.com/I-am-writerdad's-sense-of-humor
Lori: It does, and thank you.
Katy: I couldn’t agree more.
CK Lunchbox: That’s a whole other post. We’re the model for the eventual man in their life. It’s a profound responsibility, and we should always be mindful.
Blogger Dad: Thanks for the compliment, Blogger Dad!!! I feel all gooey inside. Rather than answer that here, I will send you a video shortly. You may have already seen it at Ron’s place. Even if you have, it will still be amazing.
Experts recommend giving your kid 10 positive comments for every one negative comment. But I think most of us barely make it beyond two compliments for every one negative. especially in the workplace.
It’s incredible how a simple compliment can brighten someone’s day or even week.
Let’s remember to be kind to each other especially with all that’s going on today.
Meryl K. Evanss last blog post..11 Ways to Play the Name Game
Experts recommend giving your kid 10 positive comments for every one negative comment. But I think most of us barely make it beyond two compliments for every one negative. especially in the workplace.
It’s incredible how a simple compliment can brighten someone’s day or even week.
Let’s remember to be kind to each other especially with all that’s going on today.
Meryl K. Evanss last blog post..11 Ways to Play the Name Game
Meryl: Ten to one sounds possible a tad high, but you’re right. We should all be doing better than we have been.
Meryl: Ten to one sounds possible a tad high, but you’re right. We should all be doing better than we have been.
If you haven’t already, and you read haim Ginott’s “BetweenParent & Child” (a book ,) it may forever change your definition of “praise”. Heck , e-mail me your address and I’ll send you my copy. I’ve read it enough to know it pretty-much from memory. For me it’s the definitive parenting book.
Jannies last blog post..My Big Eye
If you haven’t already, and you read haim Ginott’s “BetweenParent & Child” (a book ,) it may forever change your definition of “praise”. Heck , e-mail me your address and I’ll send you my copy. I’ve read it enough to know it pretty-much from memory. For me it’s the definitive parenting book.
Jannies last blog post..My Big Eye