“I can live for two months on a good compliment.”
~Mark Twain
Anyone who questions the power of praise, should test its undiluted strength on any random pack of children.
Picture this:
A dozen kids are sitting around a table, waiting on their wedges of fruit. The youngest, at eighteen months, is mashing his mitts on the table; the oldest is sitting quietly with his hands braided into a nest in the seat of his lap. The remaining wee-ones are scattered in varying shenanigans.
“My goodness,” I say. I draw my breath, and send my eyebrows climbing. “Look how well William is waiting.”
Instant hush hovers over the table, thicker than if I’d said Santa was in surveillance.
“I’m being patient, Mr. Sean.”
This voice tweets from a toddler who, a split second before was yodeling Yankee Doodle. His declaration fills the air, chased by an avalanche of echos. Even the tiniest tot looks up from his high chair, relaxes his hands, and begins to wildly clap.
We all long for validation. It is as much a part of our DNA as the tint of our eyes, only less visible, and infinitely more important.
With my own children, I never let sun and sky split without letting them know how proud I am of precisely who they are. Their ears perk as they stand straight and smile wide, swelling to fill the outline I’ve drawn around them. This verbal applause gives my words gravity. My children love it when I tell them great job, but are loathe to find me upset, disappointed, or angry.
This isn’t new age hokum I’m spitting from the right side of my brain. There’s plenty of research to document the infinite advantage of regular praise. I know of no analysis to disprove the theory.
There is something inside each of us, that steady beat that makes us human, always searching for a rhythm to follow, eager to find license to a tempo that’s true. We never shed this need for compliments, any more than we do our need for sun. Like with our star, we can burn our soul if we soak too much, but this is still far preferable to the threatening gray of a rainy day.
Each day, Daisy tells me that she’s proud of me, and then she tells me why. I do the same for her. That may seem corny to some, but it isn’t; it’s feeding our flames with the finest of fuel, from the purest provenance possible.
We must practice praise with our children. It’s important for who they are, and who they will one day be. We must of course tell them how they can do better, but we must also never forget to tell them what they have done well. There is nothing quite like watching them recapture the magic.
Writer Dad
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Namas Daisy is talking about too much TV. You’ll find that here.
About Sean Platt
Hi WD
I believe exactly the same. As a postullant (wannabe priest) I taught in High School for one school year. I had never taught before and one of the classes I was assigned was called “the orphans”.
Not because anything, except that nobody wanted to teach there. Guess why. And I had to teach Ethics. It was, interesting.
Well I noticed that these “kids” of 17 were immune to any form of discipline. Most were simpling waiting to be 18 to drop school. So I tried praise, too.
It worked. I can’t tell you it was easy, immediate or that I got fantastic results but, at least I could teach a bit of Max Scheller and Buber.
Anyway, I tried the same approach in other classes. It worked better curiously enough with classes that had “a reputation”. I believe because they are starved for praise. So, I designed my own “positive informative note”.
We had something called “informative note” that was part of the basic teacher arsenal. When somebody behaved you filled the note, send it to parents. The only change I made was to tell parents about good things too.
For younger kids that worked like honey for flies.
However, I must say that I fell in the trap of my own little success. If I were to teach again, I’d be tougher, when there’s a need.
Miguel de Luiss last blog post..Mastermind group: choose your own personal government
Hi WD
I believe exactly the same. As a postullant (wannabe priest) I taught in High School for one school year. I had never taught before and one of the classes I was assigned was called “the orphans”.
Not because anything, except that nobody wanted to teach there. Guess why. And I had to teach Ethics. It was, interesting.
Well I noticed that these “kids” of 17 were immune to any form of discipline. Most were simpling waiting to be 18 to drop school. So I tried praise, too.
It worked. I can’t tell you it was easy, immediate or that I got fantastic results but, at least I could teach a bit of Max Scheller and Buber.
Anyway, I tried the same approach in other classes. It worked better curiously enough with classes that had “a reputation”. I believe because they are starved for praise. So, I designed my own “positive informative note”.
We had something called “informative note” that was part of the basic teacher arsenal. When somebody behaved you filled the note, send it to parents. The only change I made was to tell parents about good things too.
For younger kids that worked like honey for flies.
However, I must say that I fell in the trap of my own little success. If I were to teach again, I’d be tougher, when there’s a need.
Miguel de Luiss last blog post..Mastermind group: choose your own personal government
It’s always worked a treat on my children, especially my daughter who is just, well, untamed!
A simple “you’re such a good girl Mia. Mummy is so proud of you” and she’s like putty in my hands.
But more than that, I think we should speak to children how we would like to be spoken to.
Tara@From Dawn Till Rusks last blog post..Things that make me go WOW! #1
It’s always worked a treat on my children, especially my daughter who is just, well, untamed!
A simple “you’re such a good girl Mia. Mummy is so proud of you” and she’s like putty in my hands.
But more than that, I think we should speak to children how we would like to be spoken to.
Tara@From Dawn Till Rusks last blog post..Things that make me go WOW! #1
WD: Have you ever read the book “The 5 Love Languages – for children”? One of the love languages is Words of Affirmation. For kids, this, along with physical touch are two of the most important love languages. Bell loves it when we give her praise and recognition. It is amazing to see her face light up, as if “Santa was in surveillance.”
WD: Have you ever read the book “The 5 Love Languages – for children”? One of the love languages is Words of Affirmation. For kids, this, along with physical touch are two of the most important love languages. Bell loves it when we give her praise and recognition. It is amazing to see her face light up, as if “Santa was in surveillance.”
Having your parent be disappointed is a hundred times worse than their being mad at you!
Hayden Tompkinss last blog post..Get the Scoop!
Having your parent be disappointed is a hundred times worse than their being mad at you!
Hayden Tompkinss last blog post..Get the Scoop!
My father had an odd habit. He would praise people to someone else. I never understood it. I can understand complaining about someone to someone else–avoid conflict–but avoiding praise? Many times I’ve told my siblings the good things my father said about them–to me.
It would have been so much more effective if he’d just told them.
Beth Partins last blog post..Oh, what a falling off was there
My father had an odd habit. He would praise people to someone else. I never understood it. I can understand complaining about someone to someone else–avoid conflict–but avoiding praise? Many times I’ve told my siblings the good things my father said about them–to me.
It would have been so much more effective if he’d just told them.
Beth Partins last blog post..Oh, what a falling off was there
WD: I couldn’t agree more!
And on the flip side, if it’s not praise that’s called for with an individual, I would add that it’s important for parents to specify they don’t like the thing the child is doing, not that they don’t like the child doing it. Know what I mean? Most of the time it’s unconscious, but you find parents often commenting on the the child rather than the actual behaviour.
Ugh, I’m not explaining it right.
stephs last blog post..Because Friar Asked
WD: I couldn’t agree more!
And on the flip side, if it’s not praise that’s called for with an individual, I would add that it’s important for parents to specify they don’t like the thing the child is doing, not that they don’t like the child doing it. Know what I mean? Most of the time it’s unconscious, but you find parents often commenting on the the child rather than the actual behaviour.
Ugh, I’m not explaining it right.
stephs last blog post..Because Friar Asked
Perfectly said!
It reminds me of my youngest son this weekend. He had just finished his flag football game, in which he was involved in a couple of big plays. We always try to encourage and praise the kids after they’ve finished some activity. And as he came across the field, you could just see the smile on his face, and the spark in his eyes – waiting for a compliment on how he had played. The anticipation of that compliment – we all crave them. Even if we say we don’t…
Lances last blog post..Sunday Thought For The Day
Perfectly said!
It reminds me of my youngest son this weekend. He had just finished his flag football game, in which he was involved in a couple of big plays. We always try to encourage and praise the kids after they’ve finished some activity. And as he came across the field, you could just see the smile on his face, and the spark in his eyes – waiting for a compliment on how he had played. The anticipation of that compliment – we all crave them. Even if we say we don’t…
Lances last blog post..Sunday Thought For The Day
I believe in postitive reinforcement. Though I think there’s a fine line between constructive criticism to boost kids self-esteem, versus praising them for EVERYTHING.
If you do the latter, you might end up with a bunch of self-centered Wunder-Kids who think they can do no wrong and the world revolves around them. Then they hit the real world and they’re in for a shock.
I mean, if a kid does a shitty drawing, focus on what he did right, and tell him you like it, and stick it on the fridge. Encourage him.
But when we start issuing certificates for getting weaned from Mommy’s Teat (I”m a healthy breast-fed baby”) or GRADUATION PARTIES….for KINDERGARTEN!!! ….Come on!!! That’s a bit much!
I know Free-Range kids being raised in these “positive” environments. Parents never correct or scold them..and the little darlings are developping into fine young Demon-Spawn. :-)
Friars last blog post..Six Habits out of Seven Ain’t Bad.
Good job, Writer Dad. You’ve done well.
Oktober Fives last blog post..Looking Down
I believe in postitive reinforcement. Though I think there’s a fine line between constructive criticism to boost kids self-esteem, versus praising them for EVERYTHING.
If you do the latter, you might end up with a bunch of self-centered Wunder-Kids who think they can do no wrong and the world revolves around them. Then they hit the real world and they’re in for a shock.
I mean, if a kid does a shitty drawing, focus on what he did right, and tell him you like it, and stick it on the fridge. Encourage him.
But when we start issuing certificates for getting weaned from Mommy’s Teat (I”m a healthy breast-fed baby”) or GRADUATION PARTIES….for KINDERGARTEN!!! ….Come on!!! That’s a bit much!
I know Free-Range kids being raised in these “positive” environments. Parents never correct or scold them..and the little darlings are developping into fine young Demon-Spawn. :-)
Friars last blog post..Six Habits out of Seven Ain’t Bad.
Good job, Writer Dad. You’ve done well.
Oktober Fives last blog post..Looking Down
It often seems to me that parents err too far on one side or the other, either treating their children like little gods or little devils. Children need to understand both rewards and punishments, praise and disappointment. Nice article WD!
It often seems to me that parents err too far on one side or the other, either treating their children like little gods or little devils. Children need to understand both rewards and punishments, praise and disappointment. Nice article WD!
Miguel: Buenos dias, Miguel. When Daisy taught fourth grade, she always got the most out of the children that were labeled before they got there. Most of them were just kids, completely starving for positive attention of any kind. It’s important to be strict when needed, of course, but praise can work unbelievable wonders.
Tara: Exactly. And, since I cannot for the life of me comment on your site. Here is what I tried to say earlier:
My four year old son is in the knock knock phase. My daughter, who should totally know better, is in this phase where she just says, “BUNNY,” and then starts cackling maniacally. I’ll give it some thought. If I hear any winners today (a strong possibility), I’ll swing back by.
Sal: I have not, but it sounds dead on.
Hayden: No kidding, even for grown ups.
Beth: My parents are the same way, one more than the other. I’ll hear wonderful things they say second hand, but rarely from the horse’s mouth.
Steph: You explained it just fine, and you are absolutely correct.
Lance: Yeah, the look on their face as they wait is so golden. How you could recognize that look, and then not deliver, is truly beyond me.
Friar: I totally agree with you about the “Free-Range” children. It’s dead on, and I’ve been intimately involved with said situations.
Oktober Five: I’m preparing you now, because this is going to be bad….
Thanks Oktober, high five!
John Hewitt/Poe War: Hi, John. Nice to see (read) you. You’re right. It’s the middle road that’s the hardest to straddle, but it’s the one which molds our children into the finest people.
Miguel: Buenos dias, Miguel. When Daisy taught fourth grade, she always got the most out of the children that were labeled before they got there. Most of them were just kids, completely starving for positive attention of any kind. It’s important to be strict when needed, of course, but praise can work unbelievable wonders.
Tara: Exactly. And, since I cannot for the life of me comment on your site. Here is what I tried to say earlier:
My four year old son is in the knock knock phase. My daughter, who should totally know better, is in this phase where she just says, “BUNNY,” and then starts cackling maniacally. I’ll give it some thought. If I hear any winners today (a strong possibility), I’ll swing back by.
Sal: I have not, but it sounds dead on.
Hayden: No kidding, even for grown ups.
Beth: My parents are the same way, one more than the other. I’ll hear wonderful things they say second hand, but rarely from the horse’s mouth.
Steph: You explained it just fine, and you are absolutely correct.
Lance: Yeah, the look on their face as they wait is so golden. How you could recognize that look, and then not deliver, is truly beyond me.
Friar: I totally agree with you about the “Free-Range” children. It’s dead on, and I’ve been intimately involved with said situations.
Oktober Five: I’m preparing you now, because this is going to be bad….
Thanks Oktober, high five!
John Hewitt/Poe War: Hi, John. Nice to see (read) you. You’re right. It’s the middle road that’s the hardest to straddle, but it’s the one which molds our children into the finest people.
I love your analogy. Right when you said, “My goodness,” I say. I draw my breath, and send my eyebrows climbing. “Look how well William is waiting.” I knew exactly what was going to happen. Children are a great example of this, not because they need it more, but because they are more transparent in showing it. Nicely spoken, Sean. Eric.
Eric Hamms last blog post..M2A! October (Exercise) Week 3: The Progress
I love your analogy. Right when you said, “My goodness,” I say. I draw my breath, and send my eyebrows climbing. “Look how well William is waiting.” I knew exactly what was going to happen. Children are a great example of this, not because they need it more, but because they are more transparent in showing it. Nicely spoken, Sean. Eric.
Eric Hamms last blog post..M2A! October (Exercise) Week 3: The Progress
Here’s a quote from the book, “How to Win Friend and Influence People.”
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.
There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticism from supervisors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”
Bamboo Forests last blog post..Halloweelection is Coming to The P.I. Universe
Here’s a quote from the book, “How to Win Friend and Influence People.”
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.
There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticism from supervisors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”
Bamboo Forests last blog post..Halloweelection is Coming to The P.I. Universe
High five back to you, WD!
You may or may not know or follow Stephen Hopson at Adversity University, but the first outside praise about my writing that really mattered to me was from him. He is the master at making people feel good about themselves. He kept me going when I thought my work was junk.
And you, WD, are great at whipping up gratitude and praise. You give people validation when they comment (no matter how silly their comment may be), and you’ve said good things about my writing that I really appreciate.
High five back to you, WD!
You may or may not know or follow Stephen Hopson at Adversity University, but the first outside praise about my writing that really mattered to me was from him. He is the master at making people feel good about themselves. He kept me going when I thought my work was junk.
And you, WD, are great at whipping up gratitude and praise. You give people validation when they comment (no matter how silly their comment may be), and you’ve said good things about my writing that I really appreciate.
I try as much as possible to lavish praise on my kids. I feel that it is important for their self esteem. They also get little rewards for a job well done every now and then.
Evelyn Lims last blog post..Can You Read My Mind?
I try as much as possible to lavish praise on my kids. I feel that it is important for their self esteem. They also get little rewards for a job well done every now and then.
Evelyn Lims last blog post..Can You Read My Mind?
Great post! I wholeheartedly agree.
Although I am not at the stage in my life yet where I have children, my partner and I tell each other at least once a day that we love one another and give a compliment. To many, you are right, they perceive this as foolish. However, it means the world to us. Sometimes I tell him how much I appreciate him cooking dinner for me. Other times that I find his ability to put me to sleep with the barest whisper of his fingertips on my scalp – lost in the sea of my hair – astounding. Then there are times where I praise his steadfast spirit at work when things get rough, how talented he is at what he does. How the flutter of his eyelashes in the morning and the first breaking point of those big, summer blue eyes tug at my heartstrings. How beautiful he looks when he smiles at me from the driver’s seat and the sun catches in his hair.
To most, these things are stupid. Cheesy. Lovey-dovey. But they matter. It’s a way of fulfilling one another and showing gratitude and appreciation. People who you care for deserve to be praised, not for the sake of stroking egos or butt-kissing, but because you should never take anyone you love for granted.
I’ve never been a critic and I believe that in most cases giving incentive, motivation and encouragement to do the RIGHT thing is better than criticizing someone for doing the wrong thing.
Janines last blog post..Getting Started With Marketing.
Great post! I wholeheartedly agree.
Although I am not at the stage in my life yet where I have children, my partner and I tell each other at least once a day that we love one another and give a compliment. To many, you are right, they perceive this as foolish. However, it means the world to us. Sometimes I tell him how much I appreciate him cooking dinner for me. Other times that I find his ability to put me to sleep with the barest whisper of his fingertips on my scalp – lost in the sea of my hair – astounding. Then there are times where I praise his steadfast spirit at work when things get rough, how talented he is at what he does. How the flutter of his eyelashes in the morning and the first breaking point of those big, summer blue eyes tug at my heartstrings. How beautiful he looks when he smiles at me from the driver’s seat and the sun catches in his hair.
To most, these things are stupid. Cheesy. Lovey-dovey. But they matter. It’s a way of fulfilling one another and showing gratitude and appreciation. People who you care for deserve to be praised, not for the sake of stroking egos or butt-kissing, but because you should never take anyone you love for granted.
I’ve never been a critic and I believe that in most cases giving incentive, motivation and encouragement to do the RIGHT thing is better than criticizing someone for doing the wrong thing.
Janines last blog post..Getting Started With Marketing.
I try to praise the Evil Genius when it is warranted…and even when I am cross with him, I remind him that I love him even when I don’t love what he does.
I very much want him to grow up understanding that we can love someone without loving, or liking, what they do. That my love won’t go away just because he has done something that I perceive as “wrong”.
I’m not afraid to apologize to him, either, when I am wrong.
I try to avoid over-the-top praise, but a gentle “Hey good job, little man” is as good as gold to him.
I think I may try the praise exchange with T – maybe it’ll help strengthen our somewhat shaky relationship..certainly.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Kyddryns last blog post..Bwahahahah!
I try to praise the Evil Genius when it is warranted…and even when I am cross with him, I remind him that I love him even when I don’t love what he does.
I very much want him to grow up understanding that we can love someone without loving, or liking, what they do. That my love won’t go away just because he has done something that I perceive as “wrong”.
I’m not afraid to apologize to him, either, when I am wrong.
I try to avoid over-the-top praise, but a gentle “Hey good job, little man” is as good as gold to him.
I think I may try the praise exchange with T – maybe it’ll help strengthen our somewhat shaky relationship.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Kyddryns last blog post..Bwahahahah!
I try to praise the Evil Genius when it is warranted…and even when I am cross with him, I remind him that I love him even when I don’t love what he does.
I very much want him to grow up understanding that we can love someone without loving, or liking, what they do. That my love won’t go away just because he has done something that I perceive as “wrong”.
I’m not afraid to apologize to him, either, when I am wrong.
I try to avoid over-the-top praise, but a gentle “Hey good job, little man” is as good as gold to him.
I think I may try the praise exchange with T – maybe it’ll help strengthen our somewhat shaky relationship..certainly.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Kyddryns last blog post..Bwahahahah!
I try to praise the Evil Genius when it is warranted…and even when I am cross with him, I remind him that I love him even when I don’t love what he does.
I very much want him to grow up understanding that we can love someone without loving, or liking, what they do. That my love won’t go away just because he has done something that I perceive as “wrong”.
I’m not afraid to apologize to him, either, when I am wrong.
I try to avoid over-the-top praise, but a gentle “Hey good job, little man” is as good as gold to him.
I think I may try the praise exchange with T – maybe it’ll help strengthen our somewhat shaky relationship.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Kyddryns last blog post..Bwahahahah!
Sigh…sorry ’bout that double comment…I have no idea what I did, but I’ll try not to do it again.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Kyddryns last blog post..Bwahahahah!
Sigh…sorry ’bout that double comment…I have no idea what I did, but I’ll try not to do it again.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Kyddryns last blog post..Bwahahahah!
Had my wife and I had more praise for each other in the hard times, perhaps we would have stayed together. As it is, I’m working so hard to be comfortable with my own voice no matter the praise–or lack of it–that comes from my projects.
I am considering that I was so well-praised growing up, that somehow I’ve developed a lack of worth because things (and the praise that came with it) came so easily.
Kip de Molls last blog post..Time To Tell
Had my wife and I had more praise for each other in the hard times, perhaps we would have stayed together. As it is, I’m working so hard to be comfortable with my own voice no matter the praise–or lack of it–that comes from my projects.
I am considering that I was so well-praised growing up, that somehow I’ve developed a lack of worth because things (and the praise that came with it) came so easily.
Kip de Molls last blog post..Time To Tell
Catch them doing something good….and let them know it. Huge. Absolutely. But it has to be real. I see a lot of, um, entitlement attitude around. Children need praise. They do, but they also need to earn it. That may not be clear. I hope you know what I mean. I am noticing a few Demon Spawn who may be overpraised and over rewarded. Who was that little girl in Willie Wonka? You know the spoiled brat. So I am agreeing …but with a caveat. Honestly do they all NEED cell phones in the sixth grade?
Janice Cartiers last blog post..Primary Colors Put To Work
Catch them doing something good….and let them know it. Huge. Absolutely. But it has to be real. I see a lot of, um, entitlement attitude around. Children need praise. They do, but they also need to earn it. That may not be clear. I hope you know what I mean. I am noticing a few Demon Spawn who may be overpraised and over rewarded. Who was that little girl in Willie Wonka? You know the spoiled brat. So I am agreeing …but with a caveat. Honestly do they all NEED cell phones in the sixth grade?
Janice Cartiers last blog post..Primary Colors Put To Work
Writer Dad,
The importance of giving – and accepting – praise can not be overestimated. If I may, I’d like to add an OPINION: first, praise should be given ONLY when it is deserved, not because it is “expected;” and second, “out of the blue” praise is sometimes the best of all – that would be praise such as “your behavior (or whatever) was excellent today, and I wanted you to know that it was both noticed and appreciated!” What a picker-upper, especially for someone who is ATTEMPTING to “do better” on something.
Beautiful post – excellent points!
Rita
Ritas last blog post..Average Children, Mean Parents
Writer Dad,
The importance of giving – and accepting – praise can not be overestimated. If I may, I’d like to add an OPINION: first, praise should be given ONLY when it is deserved, not because it is “expected;” and second, “out of the blue” praise is sometimes the best of all – that would be praise such as “your behavior (or whatever) was excellent today, and I wanted you to know that it was both noticed and appreciated!” What a picker-upper, especially for someone who is ATTEMPTING to “do better” on something.
Beautiful post – excellent points!
Rita
Ritas last blog post..Average Children, Mean Parents
I agree with Friar: praising them for everything is empty. But loving them and accepting them for who they are is priceless. Sounds like you’re doing a terrific job, Sean.
Vered – MomGrinds last blog post..Chocolate-Covered Strawberries
I agree with Friar: praising them for everything is empty. But loving them and accepting them for who they are is priceless. Sounds like you’re doing a terrific job, Sean.
Vered – MomGrinds last blog post..Chocolate-Covered Strawberries
That’s very true. It works wonders on everyone around.
orlunds last blog post..Giggles And Wiggles
That’s very true. It works wonders on everyone around.
orlunds last blog post..Giggles And Wiggles
We have this joke in my house. When I ask one of the boys to do something, and they comply, I tell them, “Thank you, you’re a good egg.” It’s always meant to be funny, but they run around grinning yelling, “Yeah, I’m a good egg, I’m a good egg!”
With the foster kids, it’s a little different. even the smallest compliment registers in their little minds. They may buck it outwardly, but you can see in their eyes that it hit home.
Jamie Simmermans last blog post..The Cure for Depression: Nick Vujicic
We have this joke in my house. When I ask one of the boys to do something, and they comply, I tell them, “Thank you, you’re a good egg.” It’s always meant to be funny, but they run around grinning yelling, “Yeah, I’m a good egg, I’m a good egg!”
With the foster kids, it’s a little different. even the smallest compliment registers in their little minds. They may buck it outwardly, but you can see in their eyes that it hit home.
Jamie Simmermans last blog post..The Cure for Depression: Nick Vujicic