What Grammies Are Supposed to Do

Written by Writer Dad on January 29, 2010 - View Comments
Categories: Family

Dear Sean,

You know how I love “stuff”, and there is nothing better than sharing my “stuff” with those I love. It’s great to find these treasures but even more fun when I see the excitement in my grandchildren’s eyes when “grammy brings them a treat.”

This probably goes back to when I was a little girl and my “nina” used to spoil me rotten. My aunt and uncle had no car but they would take me all over the place on the greyhound bus and the “red car” streetcars. My family had very humble beginnings, but there was never a shortage of treats, even if it was a box of cracker-jacks with the much coveted prize at the bottom.

My dad was the king of chotchkis, as you well know.

Before I was born he had been in the shoe business and the “sample size” back then was a size 4, which coincidentally was my mom’s size. She had shoes to rival Imelda Marcos!  Dad always had a new pair of shoes, a handbag or a piece of costume jewelry for her and it didn’t matter how cheesy some of the trinkets were, her eyes would light up as though he had presented her with a box from Tiffany’s. They were in their late eighties and he was still giving her goodies!

When you and Megan were growing up I always picked up goodies for you whenever I went somewhere that I felt warranted a souvenir because you were not there with me. (even if it was a nintendo-saurus shirt I chose to make for you at the arts and crafts trade show, much to your chagrin). So please understand that I have had a lifetime of this gift giving habit, either on the giving or receiving end. Old habits die very hard!

The Dora the Explorer house was a real feather in my cap! I think you are wildly exaggerating about its condition. It was in great shape and had most of the accessory pieces to go with it, and as I recall, the kids were very excited and played with it all night.  The glamour might have worn off sooner than I thought, but for the instant gratification, it was great!

When I saw it sitting on the curb I could not believe that someone would be so wasteful as to throw it out for the trashmen. They could have donated it to a women and children’s shelter or a church nursery. I guess everyone does not have the same preservation/recycling ethic that I do.  How many children have no toys or very few toys because their families can barely get by with the necessities?  I had to rescue it!

I knew the kids would have a good time.  I will never be deterred from salvaging other people’s perfectly good things that are put out  to further engorge our landfills so that the kids can have the newer model of whatever it was. In the future, however, I will donate these things to charity.

Now, the donkey…..ah yes, the donkey…..I WAS ELATED  when I saw him sitting at the Goodwill, just waiting to be adopted.  I wondered how in the world I could get him to fit into my little Honda Element. I just KNEW  WITHOUT A CRUMBLE OF DOUBT  that the kids would go berserk when I walked through the door with him…..and they did!  I did not notice that the tail was missing until I got to your house. Apparently, the tail had dropped off in the parking lot.

I thought that it was hilarious that two weeks later when I walked into the store they remembered I had bought him and saved the tail for me.  Sorry I keep forgetting it…It’s probably cleaner than the donkey at this point and won’t match.

Ok, so no more presents for my grandkids….nah, no can do!!  BUT….. I promise to keep them at a very minimum and make them either edible, wearable, miniscule in size, or disposable with a short shelf life, such as stickers, paperback coloring books or crafts we can do together.

I propose explaining the problem to the children and giving them the option of one new goodie in, one old goodie out.  They could even make a “treasure chest” of things they are willing to donate forward with the prospect of receiving a new treat.  We can designate one “grammy nite” a month as “treat night” if you wish.

Is this a good compromise?

I understand your quest for minimalization, but please do not deny me my grammy spoiling rights altogether. that’s what grammies are supposed to do! Within a few years they will be too old to be dazzled by fun little trinkets.

Like Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, Grammies were destined to bring stuff!

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  • Martha R.
    Margaret, you had some great suggestions! I agree with you, grammies should be allowed to indulge their need to love their grandkids, which includes giving them treats! But I also think that we have to respect our kids' wishes in regards to treats, especially if space is limited and the parents ask for restraint in gifting. It sounds like you've come to a fair compromise, and I'm impressed with both you and Sean for dealing with this issue in an intelligent, creative, loving way. Great job!
  • writerdad
    Hi Martha!

    Thanks for stopping in. Yes, Grammy's compromises were great and she's been on her best behavior for the last couple of weeks. We have our fingers crossed this is a trend rather than a fad. :)
  • martharuiz
    You offered some great solutions, Margaret! I'm with you 100% about grammies bringing treats, but restraint is a good thing to strive for, especially when space is limited in the house, or the parents aren't too happy about the treats.
  • That was also an enjoyable read. Great stuff.
  • writerdad
    Hey, deja vu!

    Nice to see you. Both times.

    Thanks for the comments!
  • cindyG
    Sorry to be a little contrary,it's the little devils advocate in me. I grew up with a Dad who is the King of taking the opposite side .So I ask you- why do you not want your kids to equate a Grammy visit with a gift?
  • margaret/sean's mom
    Hi Cindy, thank you for commenting. What you said was very sweet. I understand what sean is trying to say, though I don't think there is anything wrong with the kids knowing that grammy brings them treats and spoils them. My maternal grandmother always used to give me little things she had around the house and let me get away with stuff while my mom and aunts were not looking. I knew that this was her way of making me feel special. I would hope that the kids would love me not only for my goodies, but for me and the person that I am. Your kids are very fortunate, indeed,to have their grammy living right across the street. Some kids only know their grandparents as a birthday or Christmas card.
  • writerdad
    Ha, don't worry about it at all - no apologies necessary. You're talking to someone who loves a good back and forth!

    Because (no offense Mom) I think that of all the things they could equate her visits to, gifts are the most hollow. And yet they are the most consistent things. I'd rather they remember great conversation, playing on the floor, reading books, etc. etc. When they hear the screech of our fence opening, I don't want their first thought to be, "What did Grammy bring?"

    Does that make sense?
  • cindyG
    Yes,Absolutely. By the way I love the way you write, and your mom has told me your story, amazing. I am at the stage of worrying about how my 17 year old son will do on his SAT and what college he will get into.Such craziness, I swear I will not succumb to it. I need to take a page out of your book! I look forward to your next installment of writerdad.
  • writerdad
    Thanks, Cindy. I appreciate it.

    I love writing. I hope I get to do it forever. : )

    Have an awesome weekend. I'll have fresh stuff for you on Monday.
  • Sean,

    A little something I had to reach back into the dusty recesses of my brain for:
    http://www.amazon.com/Berenstain-Bears-Gimmies-First-Books/dp/0394805666

    When you get rid of the donkey you'll have room to bring just one tiny book into the house. It's simple, but the message is spot-on. It was always a fave around here, and even now if we see a spot of the "greedy gimmies" coming on, we can both still quote it.

    Until later,

    Kelly
  • writerdad
    Ha, thanks Kelly!

    I think we have that one in multiple!

    The greedy gimmies are indeed the worst.

    Have an awesome weekend.
  • This is a GREAT response, and Sean, you lucky devil you, what a great mom you have. Her willingness to compromise is wonderful, and she's totally OK with stuff moving on once the kids have enjoyed it. My mom, on the other hand, goes through major trauma if we decide to donate anything she has given to us. Count your blessings, my friend, count your blessings. :)
  • Margaret, what a great response!!

    My gran used to bring stuff all the time too and we loved her for it. My dad always used to tell her that she couldn't buy our love, but even as kids my sister and I could see there was more to it than that. She came baring gifts because it made us feel good and it made her feel good. She loved us. We knew it. The gifts were more events than gifts.

    Anyway, regardless of whether the gift was found at the side of the road or purchased brand new from a store, kids will sometimes get bored with it before the day is out. That's just the way it is.

    Sean, although you didn't specifically say it, I pictured the donkey with rusty jagged artery slicing spikes where its tail should have been. Probably because it suited me to see it that way but you allowed my mind to wander in that direction - so it's your fault.

    BTW Sean, I can't wait until you write an open letter to Cindy next!! :-)

    BTW2 Can you please hold on to the donkey I have an idea for it.
  • margaret/sean's mom
    Thank you, Dave. I'd be real curious to know what your plans for the donkey would be. I personally think that I should shop for a large, gaudy mexican hat and the donkey should be moved to the front yard. Trust me, in that neighborhood Sean could almost feed his family on what he could make selling "pictures on el burrito". :) p.s the butt-hole is not sharp or menacing and I gave Sean the option of bringing the tail or popping a flower in it!
  • writerdad
    Yeah, I think the open letter might be a new category!

    Could be awesome.

    The Donkey's all yours. If you cover the shipping, I'll send it across the pond tomorrow!
  • cindyG
    Dear Sean's Mom and Sean,
    Gifts or no gifts, it really doesn't matter. The important thing is that your grandchildren/children have an amazing generous loving Grammy in their lives. Remember they are children and their attention span is all of 2 minutes. Just because they get tired of toys quickly doesn't mean that they didn't love them in the moment and appreciate them that is if their little minds can really appreciate things yet. Children are selfish, the world revolves around them. They grow up and realize that they are no longer the center of the universe.Granted, some have an easier time accepting this realization than others, but are tons of gifts from Grammy really going to affect this? Grammy,what you are giving to your children and grandchildren is priceless. Sean, I don't know you at all but from all of your stories and writings that I have read I think your kids are the luckiest kids in the world to have a Dad like you.
    For what it's worth, from a Mom of a 17 and 19 year old who's Grammy lives across the street.
  • writerdad
    Hi Cindy,

    That is a terribly kind thing to say! Thank you so much, it means a lot.

    As far as the gifts, it isn't so much their remarkably brief half life of interest that I object to, it's that I don't want them to equate a visit from Grammy with some sort of gift. Which they do.

    Thanks again for making me smile.
  • Frankie
    When my mother died, my sisters and I took on the task of going through her things, and as we were going through them, we found things from our childhood, birth records, report cards from grade school, old close from childhood, hankies and a hoard of other things. Then there were duckies diaper pins and barrettes from the grand kids, some things made you wonder why she keep them at all.

    This was my mothers way of holding on her memories of us as children, and than our kids, her grand kids, as we were growing up, growing older and pulling away from her. She cherished her memories.

    I had a vision of my mothers death a few years before she pasted, in the dream she handed me a string of pearls and other Jewel's, for some reason the pearls stood out in my mind at the time, I took this to be a symbol of her final gift of love and wisdom to me as my mother, she was telling goodbye. When going through her things I found the string of pearls.

    Frankie Sam " )
  • Frankie
    When my mother died, my sisters and I took on the task of going through her things, and as we were going through them, we found things from our childhood, birth records, report cards from grade school, old close from childhood, hankies and a hoard of other things. Then there were duckies diaper pins and barrettes from the grand kids, some things made you wonder why she keep them at all.

    This was my mothers way of holding on her memories of us as children, and than our kids, her grand kids, as we were growing up, growing older and pulling away from her. She cherished her memories.

    I had a vision of my mothers death a few years before she pasted, in the dream she handed me a string of pearls and other Jewel's, for some reason the pearls stood out in my mind at the time, I took this to be a symbol of her final gift of love and wisdom to me as my mother, she was telling goodbye. When going through her things I found the string of pearls.

    Frankie Sam " )
  • writerdad
    Hi Frankie!

    Thanks for sharing.

    Megan and I talk about going through Mom's in some far off forever. The thought fills us with shudders, though there is a bit of humor underneath it as well. "Mom's, mom" as we often say!
  • margaret..sean's mom
    When my mom passed away and I had to go through the house I also came across all the little presents that had been given to her over the years by all of her grandchildren and children, even if they were scraps of paper with childish drawings. She got great joy from giving and receiving. I remember having discussions with her about throwing out the last ten flower arrangements I had given her because they were dead. She would shake her head and tell me how pretty they still were. I would roll my eyes , think she was nuts and how much I loved her.
    I miss her and all her little quirks and hope that someday my grandchildren can laugh and have stories to tell.
  • Dear Sean's Mom,

    I dared not say a word yesterday on this hot-button topic until I'd read your response. I think you came really close to nailing it when you said, "They could have donated it to a women and children’s shelter or a church nursery. I guess everyone does not have the same preservation/recycling ethic that I do. How many children have no toys or very few toys because their families can barely get by with the necessities?"

    Many. I know them quite well. But most of us are very, very distanced from that. If you do decide to redirect your grammie-ness toward those children, you have no idea how much joy you'll be able to give, and how long even the smallest kindnesses will be remembered.

    To junk up your granchildren's world is, as Sean suggested, to devalue the very gifts you are giving. And it devalues other things, as well--how special are birthdays and holidays when gifts are expected weekly in Mia and Max's world? How can they learn that they should prioritize needs and wants when whims are taken care of before they've even had a chance to become wants? Remember looking forward to your birthday for months, making a longer and longer list of things you hoped for, and being overjoyed at the four or five things you did get, even if not a one was on your list?

    I feel funny saying anything on such a personal topic, but just one more little thought.

    I still have almost every gift my father's mother, who died when I was in my early twenties, ever gave me. We lived far away and whatever she wanted to give she'd have to mail, most years, so we're talking one, maybe two, a year. I treasure them, I still have a couple of things on display in my bedroom, and I think often of what made her choose that gift as perfect for *me,* that year.

    The gift of less can be a precious gift indeed.

    I'm so impressed that you and your son are having an open discussion about this. May it work out beautifully, so your grandkids can grow up treasuring *you.*

    Regards,

    Kelly

    (P.S. Sean: Twice a year, my daughter and I make up a big bag or two of items that never got enough lovin' in her world and donate them. I ask her, "Could someone else love this more?" And though it was tough when she was three and four, she's growing up very proud to give children who desperately need a soft something to hug, a book to read, or even a box of crayons, a little joy in their day. She used to cry when we gave them away, but now she gets teary wishing we could do more. Might be something to think about with your babes...)
  • margaret/sean's mom
    Hi Kelly, thank you for your comment. Most of the gifts I bring are of the smaller recycled variety. They say "I love you and when i saw this it reminded me of you". For Mia's birthday a couple of weeks ago I hand-crafted a beautiful little sweater made from recycled wool sweaters which I shrunk and felted, cut up embroidered and embellished. a one-of-a-kind heirloom made with lots of labor and love. THIS is the difference between trinkets and special birthday gifts. Trust me, they know the difference. In our city are many thrift shops that give all their profits to a certain charity. I support them both ways and thus keep the cycle of recyling going. There is far too much waste and too many people wanting in our society.
  • writerdad
    Kelly, what a wonderful comment! Thank you.

    I love your idea about my mom taking some of these things to a shelter. It would make a far greater impact for them then it would for my children.

    And yes, we have many shelters by our house and make frequent visits to give them our offerings as often as we can.
  • loricatherine
    I thought it was a wonderful response and a fair suggestion for a compromise at the end. What a generous hearted family legacy you have. Is grammy taking any adoptees????
  • writerdad
    Hi Lori,

    Yeah, it's a fair compromise. As long as it's not EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! : )

    Have an awesome weekend!
  • Dear Sean's Mom,

    I'm with Sean on this. You talk a lot about *your* life, *your* needs, and *your* point of view. It sounds like you want to keep much of the status quo intact without really addressing Sean's family's needs. I don't think Sean is being selfish to want to embrace a different way. Don't you think it's time to honor your son's wishes and not push yours?
  • margaret..sean's mom
    Lori, I do not presume to know you or any "mother issues" you may have, but judging from the ferocity of your comment, I would guess something hit a nerve. I spent years raising my children with love, humor and the freedom to be who they wanted to be, many times at personal sacrifice. As Steve Martin would say, EXCUUZZZE ME!! because I believe that one of the earned benefits after years of motherhood should be enjoying and spoiling your grandchildren. I have never meddled in my children's adult lives; I raised them right and they turned out pretty good. Hopefully, I can be indulged in this way. I believe my suggestions were a good effort at respecting Sean's wishes without giving up the freedom to be who I want to be.
  • Dear Sean's Mom,

    LOL! Sorry to ruffle your feathers so!

    Just so you know, I am the 24/7 caregiver for my mom who suffers from Alzheimer's and dementia. She and I resolved most of our issues a few years ago, knowing what is coming as her cognitive and physical skills decline. It was a matter of honor and respect. Sacrifice is not unknown to me or my husband, nor do we insist on any level of entitlement for the love and care we extend to her. We try to love without any strings attached.

    "On Children"
    by Kahlil Gibran

    Your children are not your children.
    They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
    They come through you but not from you,
    And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

    You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
    For they have their own thoughts.
    You may house their bodies but not their souls,
    For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
    which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
    ...
    You are the bows from which your children
    as living arrows are sent forth.
    The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
    and He bends you with His might
    that His arrows may go swift and far.
    Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
    For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
    so He loves also the bow that is stable.
  • margaret/sean's mom
    Hi Lori, Thank you for your follow up comment. I apologize for overreacting to your previous comment. I empathize with you for what you are going through with your mother. I lost my mom about three years ago and it was very difficult to witness the deterioration and dementia in such a wonderful person. She was very giving and loving and I learned much from her. She and my dad would give us the weirdest, tackiest presents sometimes, but they did it with love and pride. I will never forget one of the worst was an interpretation of Sean and Megan's childhood photos that my dad had translated onto HUGE VELVET PAINTINGS where they looked like alvin and the chipmunks. My husband and i choked, smiled, said thank you and put them away in the garage, where years later they were stolen by some crazy person! I will say again how much restraint I show sometimes in passing on some of the things I could gift. I am trying very hard with my suggestions to work out feasible compromises with Sean.
  • Dear Margaret/Sean's Mom,

    Thank you for your follow up as well.

    I will leave the discussion now with this thought by Raymond Lindquist:

    "Courage is the power to let go of the familiar."
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