My baby is a baby no longer.
My baby hasn’t been my baby for a while.
This weekend our firstborn child, Haley, turns 10 years old.
I’ve been arguing with the calendar for months, taking turns with Cindy as we point our fingers to the sky and curse the impossibility. But the months continue to smear our logic with their mocking smiles.
We can argue all we like, but we will never return our faded years. Cindy is cursed with being married to a man who will reflect on moments gone by in excruciating detail, while I am married to a woman who mourns their passing.
Together, we promise to make this birthday wonderfully unforgettable.
Maybe it’s arbitrary, her years moving from one digit to two, but it seems significant to me, and a telltale sign that a wedge of our future that was once so far away is now moving in for good.
When I was younger, the hallmarks of my possible future hung like portraits along the walls in my mind: finishing high school, buying my first business, getting married, having children. Back then, my future was about me, which is where it stayed until I became a man.
I wasn’t a man the day I turned 18, despite what the law insisted. Nor was I a man when I quit high school or bought my first business. I became a man the day I looked at my life’s horizon knowing it would be empty without Cindy beside me.
Then, my future was about us.
My goals were still important, but there was another side to the prism, casting my wants in a clearer light. And that’s where it stayed until I became a father.
Haley changed my life in a second, not the day she was born, but rather eight months earlier when the blue line that didn’t lie reminded me life could be planned but even a perfectly blueprinted house will fall if the sand is soft beneath it.
My future is still about us, all of us. Me and Cindy, Haley and Ethan.
A future that started 10 years ago, 10 years and 9 months if you count the incubation.
Now I’m thinking about their finishing high school, their first businesses, their getting married, and eventually making me a grandfather. Maybe it’s odd for me to be thinking about becoming a grandfather while still knee deep in my mid-30s, but it’s the way my brain works and why I write about time and cycles of death as often as I do.
I cannot help but acknowledge the passing of time, and the week when our daughter turns 10 is the perfect time to take a step back and see it with the awe it deserves.
Yesterday my baby was a tiny peanut. We brought Haley home from the hospital and those first six months flew by. Back then, everyone we met said a different version of the same exact thing: She’s just SO alert!
And she is.
Haley is and always has been an old soul. She is far older than her 10 years, which is one of the things that makes her such an absolute joy to be around, and sometimes difficult to parent. Like her father, Haley has a fierce command of language. And like her mother, a fierce command of her will.
Haley’s first two years were “batteries included.” She was filled with personality – smart, funny, creative, and over flowing with life. Remarkably observant and the only child in the house, she was relatively easy to parent. By the time she was three, Cindy and I were desperately in need of her batteries. She learned the words NO! and turned into the swirling tempest and creative tornado she is today. 
I look at Haley dumbfounded by the breathing proof of all that has happened to our family in the last decade. I had a partnership before her, but Haley turned me and Cindy into a family and laid the bricks for her baby brother to crawl down 2 1/2 years later.
I am beyond lucky to have such an amazing, articulate, wonderful daughter. And I am proud of everything I have given as her father. I have no regrets, and feel fortunate for the time we’ve had together as a family. Yet as she turns 10 I’ve never been more aware of the passing of time.
It was easier a few years ago. Cindy and I had our preschool and a lot of time with our children. But then Haley went to kindergarten and I became a writer, my new profession quickly swallowed hours without chewing as I did everything I could to keep us afloat.
Time is flying and I am flying by time. I must go faster for a little longer so I can afford to slow down. But I must go faster with the full realization that no matter how much my hard work now will help me afford everything I want from life, I cannot afford to lose appreciation for all I have right now.
Haley’s 10th birthday is a beautiful, and perhaps needed, reminder of what I want from this world and for my family, and what I must do to ensure it happens.
The next eight years will fly by as fast as these have, probably faster. I don’t want to lose them like raindrops drying on the ground. My daughter stands at the lip of innocence, still loving the things that children love. I love that she watches Phineas and Ferb, and that she is trying on new behaviors like they were dresses off a rack. I love that our last Christmas passed with her hanging onto her belief in Santa, even if it was only spiderweb thin.
This year we will lose many of those things, and next year even more.
I don’t yet wish to ponder the year after that.
My baby is turning 10, and it won’t be much longer that I’ll be able to cuddle her like I do and tickle her with abandon, and it won’t be much longer before she stops wanting me to.
Now we curl on the couch and I hold her close, and while I know there will always be some version of this perfect comfort between us, it won’t stay the same for too much longer.
While it’s easy to look at this 10 year anniversary of becoming a dad with slight sorrow at a decade gone, I’d rather stare in the eyes of all that is good and acknowledge how lucky I am to have a daughter like Haley, even if I cry as I write this.
As a father, I could never hope for more.
Haley, I love you way past the moon and all the way to the furthest star. You’re my baby girl and you made me a daddy. If possible, you made me love your mommy even more. You are turning into the most beautiful, articulate, creative, compassionate, wonderful person I could ever imagine. We will spend the next 8 years getting to know each other better, and follow it with another lifetime after that.
A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you. You are everything a father could hope for from a daughter, and a galaxy beyond. Thank you for making me Daddy, and starting off the past 10 years of my life.
I can’t wait for the next 10.
xoxo
About Sean Platt
Sean, that is SO beautiful and heartfelt and honest and open. I am not ashamed to say that I’m typing this with a tear in my eye. My peanut turns eight this month. From what you’ve written, I can guess that she and Haley would get along famously – fierce and funny and full of sass and creative energy. It is so wonderful watching our children grow – to see them coming into themselves a little more each day, learning how to make their way in the world … and make their mark on it. But, it’s also a reminder of how fleeting time is and how impossible to hold. As a single mom who runs her own business, I am lucky to have enormous flexibility around spending time with my daughter, but the flip side is that I’m often multi-tasking. My heart aches to think of all the lost moments, even though I know I’ve done pretty damn well this far. You can’t help but want more. More snuggles and giggles and bedtime stories. More meandering walks that last all afternoon and go nowhere. More hugs for no reason. More of the days of believing in faeries and Santa and dragon pen pals (my daughter has one named Inga). Our children lead lives that are at once innocent and richer than we can remember. The time we share with them is nothing short of magic, but – like magic – it can suddenly disappear in a whirlwind of fast-flying days, months, and years.
A very happy birthday to your little girl. And a very happy un-birthday to her mum and dad who are enjoying her journey from a different perspective, but with just as much love and passion as she is. Best wishes to all.
Hey Jamie!
Thanks for saying all that.
I SO know how fleeting this all is, and I’ll do everything I can to capture and keep it, all the while preparing myself to release when it’s time. It is magic, the best sort.
Sounds like you’re doing a GREAT job. :)
Cracker Jacks! I can’t get through the comment section because it is pouring cats and dogs in my eyes.
Cracker Jacks! I can’t even get through Jaimie’s comment because it is pouring cats and dogs in my eyes.
Why you making me cry so early in the morning?
Beautiful story, message, and daughter! You, Cindy, Haley, and Ethan are a remarkable family, genuine, kind, and giving of your time and spirit. I feel like you’re my family, too. Thank you all for continuing to share your lives and stories. You’re an inspiration and positive peaceful note in a sea of chaotic clanging.
Enjoy these years, these last years before talk of cars, boys, horrible boy bands, and all the other things that will surely gray your hair!
And Happy Birthday, Haley!
Thanks man. Yeah, it’s funny to watch her reaction to stuff now, like she totally thinks boys and girls together are gross, couldn’t care less about Beiber, though she’d probably take the car out if I let her. Actually, I’m sure of that!
The joy of family (and writing) … captured perfectly inside one blog post.
No kidding, I really did cry when I wrote this.
Dude, really? Like I needed that reminder that it won’t be long before my Monkey hits the double digits. I keep telling mine they need to quit growing up but they just won’t listen. Beautifully written, as always :).
Happy Birthday, Haley!! I hope it’s filled with fabulosity!!
I can get by with one less birthday present now if I’m willing to gift her with the new word “fabulosity!” :)
Beautiful job, Sean. Haley is indeed special. (as is Ethan). I still have the card you have me that had a picture of the sonagram to let me know that I was going to be a grandma and then asked me what I would
like to be called. “Grammy” seemed perfect, as I do love music. ;)
Haley is beyond bright and at the same time sensitive and massively creative (I like to think some of my DNA passed down).I love that she is a “little adult” as opposed to an obnoxious precocious child, which many kids that are blessed with super intelligence and talent turn out to be. She is simply a nice kid with no agenda….one that you and Cindy can be so proud of as parents, and I, as her “grammy”. You guys have “done good”. Haley has a wonderful heart and is blessed with the whole package.
Wish I were there to give my baby girl a big hug, but you can do that for me and tell her that her grammy loves her and is so proud of her. I know that as she approaches her pre-teen years, which can sometimes be a nightmare, there is nothing to fear, as she is centered and confident and will take bullshit from no “mean girl” or boychild. :) xo
Thanks Ma!
Haley opened her present from you tonight and LOVED it. She was so so happy, giddy as a little girl. :)
We miss you and yeah, I’m as confident as I can be about Haley and adolescence, but it’s still this side of terrifying!
Sean, long time no talk!! Thanks for sharing this tribute to your daughter. I think this sentence alone should be the mantra of every caring father out there…”Haley’s 10th birthday is a beautiful, and perhaps needed, reminder of what I want from this world and for my family, and what I must do to ensure it happens.”
The way you expressed your feelings toward her is a breath of fresh air. Here’s to the next 10, joyful years…..
Hey Frank!
Nice to see you. Appreciate the compliment, and yeah, I can’t wait for the next 10!
Sean, I am at a loss for words.
This is when I started to cry:
“Time is flying and I am flying by time. I must go faster for a little longer so I can afford to slow down. But I must go faster with the full realization that no matter how much my hard work now will help me afford everything I want from life, I cannot afford to lose appreciation for all I have right now.”
Because that hit very close to home.
Thank you for sharing your gift with the world. Your family is lucky to have you.
Love Jaime
Thanks Jamie, what a sweet comment. I’m glad you found it touching. :)
Haley has always been an amazing child! As an infant, she had those bright and curious eyes….I just knew she’d grow up to be a super star!! We wish sweet Haley a very happy 10th birthday!!!! We hope she has a most spectacular day!
Forever her fan back in Cali!
Hey Leslie!
She did always have such bright, knowing eyes. I think that girl is a very old soul. :)
Miss Cali, especially at birthdays and holidays!
Oh My Goodness! Pure and simple beauty. Your so wonderful! I Love my Platt family!!!
CONGRATULATIONS to YOU, new Mama Bear! That’s BIG news. We’re so happy for you.
The world needs more fathers like you , Sean. Happy New Year!
Hey Man!
How are you?!? Haven’t talked to you in ages? How are you? How’s life? How’s your sister?
(Oh, and THANKS!)
Sean,
The very first post I read of yours was about Haley, although you used a fictitious name for her back then. If I remember right, you were marvelling at her recognition of a certain type of music or musical technique as the two of you listened to the clock radio.
Now, several years later, it appears your love and admiration for Haley have grown even more. Your daughter will one day look back on this post and treasure it more than any material possession she has.
That first post I read, forwarded to me by a friend, was also my first introduction to Sean Platt the writer. Your talent was immediately evident, and I quickly filled out the form to subscribe to your blog. Now, reading this post, I’m again floored by the beauty of your words.
Happy Birthday, Haley! And best wishes to the whole Platt family. It is a treat to be able to watch you all grow and thrive in so many ways.
Susan
Oops! I meant “car radio” above, not “clock radio.”
Susan!!
I know exactly the post you’re talking about: “Pianoforte” and the post was about Nirvana.
Great memory. :)
Thanks for being one of the earliest people to champion me. It always did and always will mean so much to me!
Moving post Sean!
Yes indeed, it did move a chord within and I can just imagine all that you must have undergone and felt when you wrote all the wonderful words about your daughter.
I have two daughters and though both are elder than yours, but having undergone this phase is something I can well relate to. You do have to wait for the teenage ages to come to really know them :) I would look forward to that time to read a post from you!!
Daughters do grow faster than sons and always remain closer to their dads- most of the cases, and I can see how and what she means to you.
She is indeed lucky to have you for a father and feel she has the best of both parents :) May God bless and her always and give her a long, successful, prosperous, and happy life.
Thanks Harleena!
I’m eager to see her grow. I have a good idea of who she’ll be as a teenager, but only time will tell. Judging by the way she gets when she’s “punchy,” I’m terrified to see her tipsy!
Thank you for the great article about your precious daughter. Makes me wish I could be her Sunday School teacher! My babies (!) are 41, 40, 32, and 31. They are wonderful blessings in my life, and I mark my life by their ever-changing lives!
Thanks Kathy, and oh my goodness! You’ve definitely been there and done that. HATS OFF mama!
Sean, we share some commonality besides being writers. My son just turned 10 a couple of weeks ago and there is something about double digits that made me reflect as well. I remember my parents telling me how fast time goes by and I thought they were crazy. Now I know the truth and I try desperately to enjoy every minute with my son. Being a parent is the greatest expierence. Thanks for sharing yours.
Thanks Wade!
It’s so funny and ridiculous how much difference on year makes, but it really does. I imagine I’ll feel something similar as she spills from 12 to 13, then 15 to 16, and of course 17 to 18. And I felt it at 5, same with my son. But this one is definitely BIG. Happy birthday to your baby boy!
Sean – thanks so much for this. It definitely feels close to home here. Except we’re at the other end…our baby (youngest of 5) turns 13 this year, and I’m beginning to feel the empty nest creeping in. Your comment that “no matter how much my hard work now will help me afford everything I want from life, I cannot afford to lose appreciation for all I have right now” is so much the emotion I often feel.
Blessings to you and your family, and Happy Birthday to Haley.
Thank you Lee!
I think Cindy’s going to feel the empty nest a lot more than I am, and I imagine she’ll feed it by teaching. But I know it’s all going to be gone before I know it, and that to waste a moment now or to stop appreciating what’s happening in front of me would be criminal.
Beautiful!
Thank you!
What a lucky girl Haley is…beautifully written.
Thank you Carol! I think I’m lucky, too. :)
What a beautifully written piece! I read it as if my husband had wrote it. My baby turns 10 next month and we have been taking the looming date with a grain of salt. Our girls sound so similar in a lot of ways, wise old souls for sure!
Thank you for sharing :)
Leslie
Hey there Leslie!
Yeah, the way Haley responds to things, I would swear she’s been there and done it all before. And hard for her to believe I have to, and actually in THIS lifetime! :)
Happy early labor day to you!
OPThis is the first I have read of your work, and I can’t wait to read more! My daughter Bailey will be 10the tomorrow, and I was crying the whole time I was reading! It’s so funny, my daughter is an old soul, too. She’s very self-possessed. Happy Birthday, Haley! You have a great father! (I ‘m sure your mom and Ethan are great, too!)
I REALLY hate autocorrect…
I totally didn’t mean to make you cry, but I’m awfully glad I did. :)
Thanks for stopping by, and I’m thrilled you enjoyed my words.
Perfectly stated, Sean!! My daughter, Julianna also turned 10 this November. True to my sentiments! Happy Birthday, Haley!
Thanks Michelle, and a belated happy birthday to Julianna, too!
Sean, what a beautifully expressed story, showed gratitude and humble reverence to the circle of life and flux of change.
My daughters have both passed the age of 10 (sigh) and will be 18 and 14 this fall. My oldest will become an ‘Adult’ this year and has her first boyfriend. In Sweden, where I live, there’s a saying: “Your kids are only on loan. Treasure the time you have with them”. That is as is should. It’s an extraordinary experience to have children. They are good teachers; on how important it is to maintain your playful innocence and authentic curiosity. They, willingly or unwillingly hold you accountable for who you are as a person.
It’s essential to grow a close and intimate relationship with them and the courage to go with the flow when it they change and evolve. It’s about being present. I wrote about a experience I had with my girls two years ago – The Magic of Breaking Bread in Ordinary Life – and posted it in my blog. Your wonderful post brought happy tears to my eye and an awe to life. I am so proud of my girls and any child, for that matter.
Thank you, Haley, Cindy and Little Big Man Ethan, for the reminder! :)
Thank you, Michi.
The Swedes have it right! They are only on loan. We our our children’s first teacher, and you’re absolutely correct, it’s about being present. It’s not always easy to do, but it is always worth the doing. :)
Beautifully written! As a mother of a sweet 2&1/2 yr old (baby) girl, i feel the angst as the years are slipping, or rather, racing by. I will try and treasure each and every one, as i know too, they will be gone before i know it!
Looking forward to more of your posts :)
Thanks so much, Kelly. Great to have you here!
Haley is blessed to have a loving father. It will serve her well in life. Having a father who cares and dotes is a good foundation for any child. I pray her birthday is special. I remember being ten meant two digits to my age – next big milestone was 13 when I had a teen in my age. The years go by fast. Enjoy. Keep letting her know how special and pretty and wonderful she is. She’ll need it even more as she grows up. My husband is awesome with our daughter, and I believe that is where she has gained her confidence to face challenge in life.
Hi Heather!
Yeah, there’s no doubt, so much of what a little girl needs comes from the dad, and I’m thrilled to have a life, and the goals, that make it possible to have a life filled with so much time together. Now it’s my job to take what I’m given and turn it into more by paying attention to all that I have.
Hi Sean,
So well written and right on the money about being present. I started late (I turn 50 this year) and my little girl, Anna, turns 8 this May. My little guy, Quincy is 2 1/2. I already can’t remember her at his age, try as I may, and that was only five years ago. But through her, I’ve come to realize how important storytelling is to our children. She would cry her eyes out if I couldn’t do story time just one night because I was working. It would piss me off until I understood that, like you say, we only have so much time when they hang on our every word and demand we tickle them and play games with them and share ourselves with them, no matter how hard it may seem on any given night to keep up.
We spend so much time and energy with our nose to the grindstone, all in the name of providing for our families while life keeps stealing these precious moments away that our children will be this young, this cute, this innocent, until the moments turn into years very quickly and they no longer beg for our attention one day. I’m already dreading that year when we have to have “the Santa chat.” It’s just too damn fun right now.
Thanks for a great reminder of what’s important.
All the best,
Mark
Thanks Mark!
Story telling (or story selling!) is SO important. I always knew it because Cindy is a teacher, but seeing it in action is totally different, especially when we teach writing at their school on Thursdays. It’s amazing to see how quickly they light up and how deep their creativity runs. Truly bottomless.
Soak it up now, because it’s going to dry up later. And definitely try to postpone the Santa chat as long as you can. :)
Hi,
I’ve recently started reading your blog and was very moved to see that you’re writing a novel with your daughter. As one who believes strongly in literacy I find this nothing short of inspiring. I’ve just had my very own daughter, 12 days old as of this comment, and hope that she is half as inspiring as you little one. I’m a writer too and hope to encourage my daughter, Winter, just as you have done yours.
I hope you don’t mind, but when she is old enough, I’d love to read Stinkmucky to her, it reminds me of a cross between Doctor Seuss and Roald Dahl.
Best wishes,
Joe.
Hey there Joe!
I don’t mind at all. I would be thoroughly honored. :)
How moving. I love my daughters, this has brought a tear to my eye. How utterly lovely thank you.
My pleasure, Daddy. :)
Hi Sean,
This is my first time here and I just wanted to commend you on a great blog and being a great dad. My oldest daughter will also be turning 10 this year and it’s amazing to have watched her grow up so quickly. I’m also savoring all the hugs and kisses I can get knowing that they’ll soon be passing moments and tomorrows cherished memories.
I am really inspired to have read about how you took on writing and do this 5 days a week. I’m at a crossroad and trying to decide whether to write or focus on building a business and truth be told stringing words together needs undivided attention, but you already know this. There are a few children’s books that I would like to get out and just reading a little of your “Syllable Soup” has encouraged me to press in and press on. Hopefully I can keep you updated on how that’s going and also get your books to read to my children.
Cheers,
Qarau
Thanks Quarau. Much appreciated. And I hope you enjoy “the soup”!
Love this. Love your story and commitment to your family, Sean. You’re an inspiration.
Thanks, Jeff! That’s truly kind of you, man. :)
Please pass me the tissues. Haley enjoy your 10th, you are a blessed little girl, so know that and the first guy who writes you a love letter if it can’t stand up to this one he is not worth your time.
God bless you FATHER, DADDY, LOVER OF FAMILY & WRITER OF A WRITER THAT BLOGS SO WELL.
Truly, I have enjoyed reading every word, heck I feel like family now *GIGGLES* kiss the family for me and see you for Thanksgiving-*MORE GIGGLES*- I am sure there will be loads of storytelling, and lots of love shared.
Keep blessing us all with your gifting for loving your family and writing electronic love letters to them because they are PRICELESS indeed.
I am honored to be in such great company, thank you, virtually speaking. HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY Haley, you are a GORGEOUS little girl, and I am sure brilliant like your old man.
Peace,
Daphne aka DwriteWELL
Morning Daphne!
This was the first thing I read this morning, and it was absolutely wonderful. Thanks so much for the sweet words on a Saturday morning. Have a wonderful weekend. :)
You sound like an amazing dad!!
Here’s my story…
I was raised by a single parent – a father, which I think makes me write men differently than most other writers. One recent result of being raised my father is this: I’ve written a young adult novel with strong male points of view.
Inspired by real events, LIE — (St. Martin’s Press, 2011) — has two main characters – seventeen-year-old Skylar and Sean. LIE is about the aftermath of a brutal hate crime, about a group of white teen attacking Hispanics for “fun” and everything going terribly wrong. Moreover, it’s the struggle of Skylar and Sean to break from their friends, their community and tell the truth — or lie.
Writing both a male and female main characters was a challenge — and had me thinking a lot about what makes teens different. What makes them act? What are the morals and ethics that they each respond to — or reject? There are ten distinct first person voices in LIE. In addition to the teen voices, there are three fathers as a well as a high school coach, struggling along with the teens about the consequences of this hate crime…. so that’s all for now… thank you for sharing!!
This is so touching. I am currently 21 and it is rather strange for me that I can relate to your post. I was almost in tears after reading this. No matter what happens, life still move on and your daughter will always love you no matter how much she has changed as she grows up.
Thank you, Tippy. It thrills me that this was touching to a 21 year old. :)