6 Rules For Remarkable Marital Communication

Communication is the central ingredient to any prosperous marriage. My wife and I work together; our worlds orbiting and intersecting every day of the week, during most of our daylight and all of our dark.

This would be a strain on many a couple, yet after a dozen years and two children together (the youngest starting kindergarten in the fall) we continue to grow stronger each day.

This would not be possible if clear, consistent communication was not at the dead center of our days.

By no means do Cindy and I share a perfect marriage, but it is a thriving, healthy union between two best friends who are still thrilled to spend as much time together as possible, and prefer to head toward the horizon rowing our oars in the same direction. What works for us might not work for everyone, but if I were to jot a list, and I suppose for the sake of this post I have, this is what I’d say:

The six steps to healthy communication and a happy marriage

1) Plan time to talk. Much of our communication is spontaneous, messages flying through the air with abandon and often chased by laughter. Tossed off comments, specific instructions, humorous asides and lists of things to do are all blended in the daily cocktail of conversation. Amid the helter skelter of every day, a healthy marriage deserves specific time dedicated to a couple’s connection. Cindy and I each have an awful lot of work to get done during the day, but we make certain we have uninterrupted time each evening where the two of us can plug back in to the attention of the other. Weak communication paves the road to an unhappy life. Whether in your work or play, communication is essential to success, but nowhere is it more important than with the other person with whom you share your bed. Yes, we discuss our day’s difficulties, but we also share our highs and always make sure to mine a few minutes to dream about days that have not yet happened.

2) Swap shoes. Our individual history defines us; a million minutes of nature and nurture constantly crafting our character. No one will ever see the world exactly as we do, and we can never expect to see the world from the exact vista of another, but slipping into the perspective of our significant other is an essential ingredient to truly understanding them. When a couple disagrees, it isn’t always about one person being right and the other wrong, it is about two individuals with different perspectives finding a healthy way to bridge the space between their thoughts.

3) Clean your ears. Don’t ever pretend to listen if you’re only waiting for your turn to speak. Be an active listener instead. Observe the obvious cues and respond appropriately and with purpose. Notice not just the language being used, but the tone of delivery, facial expressions, and body posture as well. Your spouse deserves to feel safe – they must know their thoughts are important to you and that you will give them all the regard and consideration they deserve.

4) Be consistent. Surprises are fun when they include candles, balloons, and stacks of sugary treats. Not so much when they involve mood swings and terrifying tirades. A couple should be able to rely on a consistent mutual mood. The constant calibration of expectations leads to fear, anxiety, and restlessness. This isn’t to say you aren’t entitled to your bad days. We all have them for sure, but if you can chart your moods on a graph and it looks like the Alps, then you have a problem that needs solving. You are teaching your partner to live with uncertainty; a bridge built with fraying rope.

5) Trust. We all have bad days. There should be no one in your word more willing to hear you vent than the person on the pillow beside you. If after a bad day, you choose to plug a cork into your feelings sin the vain hope your spouse won’t notice, well that’s a bit like cranking the radio so you can’t hear the grinding noise of a failing engine. Your anger will go nowhere, and will likely only manifest itself in an unsettled mood. Have faith that your spouse wants to hear what you have to say. If you have a history of stilted conversation, start slow. Communication improves like anything else – a day at a time.

6) Be Honest. I believe there is nothing more essential to a thriving marriage than honesty. If you think you are slyly hiding things from the sight of your spouse, believe me – you aren’t. Your spouse is knows you are hiding something, even if it is only on a subconscious level that they themselves could never articulate. Humans are often smarter than they give themselves credit for. Be honest with your feelings and honest with your intentions. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and never use honesty as a license to be unkind.

These rules are general; a vague outline for living that can be modified to fit your own set of circumstances. Excellent communication doesn’t mean you always agree, but it must always remain considerate. Never use words as weapons or attempt to guilt, bully, dominate, blame, outwit, or control your partner.

The union we share with our partners is like a wheel. Negativity will only roll around to ruin us.

Writer Dad

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