10 Years Later: The Unforgivable Sins of Episode One

Something happened a few weeks back that I’ve been waiting for ever since first becoming a father… my children have fallen in love with Star Wars. They’ve only seen two of the films so far, the original (Episode IV) and the worst (Episode I). The Empire Strikes Back is a bit too dark for our five year old, but we’re not in a hurry. They are soaking up the two they have already seen and managing to turn anything that can be held with one hand into a lightsaber.

It’s been 10 years since The Phantom Menace first hit the big screen to the delight of millions of children and horror of many adults. A decade removed, plus seeing the film beside the eyes of my children for the first time, has granted me a new perspective.

10 years later, here are my thoughts on Episode I.

I won’t pretend for a second that Episode One isn’t (by FAR) the worst of the series, but viewing the film through the unjaded eyes of two of my best friends was definitely a bit of a blast. It was easy enough to imagine myself as a child. In the early 80′s I had no idea how atrocious some of the dialogue was in the original Star Wars. I’m quite sure I would have loved Episode One as a child.

To be fair to Lucas, the expectations for a new Star Wars movie were so MASSIVE it would have been nearly impossible to ever meet (let alone exceed) them. I would also add that Star Wars is his franchise to destroy should he choose. Yet having said that, one should know their strengths and weaknesses and endeavor to give their fans all that they deserve. Lucas is a brilliant producer, but a gifted director he is not, and his writing makes me wonder if he’s ever had a conversation with a real person before.

Few filmmakers possess vision on such a scale, but The Empire Strikes Back is an amazing piece of cinema because Lucas enlisted the skills of another director and an excellent writer to bring his vision to the big screen.

Back in ’99 I couldn’t seem to hate on Episode One the way the rest of the world seemed to. The more the venom seemed to drip, the more I felt like defending it. 10 years later, I stand by my original review. Episode One is the worst of the series, with dreadful dialogue and some exceedingly poor judgement, but the film still holds enough gee whiz golly wow to satisfy the five year old in all of us, so long as we allow it.

I could pick at the Phantom Menace all day, but I want to even less now than I did back then. There are however, a few things that really bothered me these last few times. Here is a by no means complete list of the unforgivable sins of Episode One:

1) The droid army. Stormtroopers were terrible soldiers, yes. They barely ever hit their mark and could seemingly get blown away by a blustery wind, but they are an army of geniuses compared to the droids. The droid army is ostensibly comprised of robots who should be able to fire their weapons with mathematical precision, and yet they have even worse aim than the stormtroopers ever did! They also use handheld microphones to communicate with one another (WHAT? That’s like one traffic light yelling to the next one, “Hey, I’m about to turn red!”) Oh, and they also have rank. I will begrudgingly accept a clumsy and inefficient droid army, but please don’t ask me to also believe they have upward mobility.

2) The politics. One of the problems many people seemed to have with the film were its more boring political aspects. I disagree. The most exciting events in history were always precipitated by something small, such as the taxation of trade routes. However, the method in which political machinations are handled in Episode One is flat out terrible. There is supposedly this ginormous galactic senate that has survived for thousands of years and maintained peace throughout the galaxy and hundreds of thousands of star systems. Yet all it takes to force the chancellor into retirement is a single senator saying, “I move for a vote of no confidence…” WOW. I have nothing more to say about that.

3) The two-headed announcer. I do like the podrace, though I did think it could have been slightly more Ben-Hur and slightly less Looney Toons, but I can’t stand the two-headed announcer. I think even the five year old in me would’ve been able to smell the stench stewing off the screen. The entire concept is mozarella to begin with, but then it’s executed horribly. Every time the announcer opens his mouth to unleash a verbal gem such as, “I don’t care what universe you’re from, that’s gotta hurt!” I find myself longing for the Episode One that never was.

4) The final battle. The final between Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Darth Maul is about 90% cool and 10% insipid. It starts with a wonderfully choreographed action sequence that all of a sudden melts into anti-climax after Obi-Wan finds himself dangling from a pipe above a bottomless bit, lightsaber lost and mentor murdered. Inexplicably, Obi-Wan just flips up and out of the pit, uses his magic to grab Qui-Gon’s saber, then cuts his foe in half – the same villain who was besting both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan with little effort just two minutes before. Sorry Lucas, that’s just lazy.

5) Jar Jar Binks. I have a confession to make. 10 years ago, I harbored no hate for Jar Jar. I actually felt sorry for the gangly dude, seeing as how he was pretty much the most vilified character in cinematic history. I didn’t believe he ruined the movie, I just thought he was a rather silly character that probably didn’t belong in the first place. But I understood his purpose and imagined that I would have enjoyed him if I were a child. I’ll even admit, my children like him and think he’s funny. Having said that, the writer and father in me LOATHES Jar Jar. The Gungan may not ruin the film, but he adds nothing to it. He butchers language and isn’t even subtle or cute while doing it. Every syllable makes meesah want to put a pillow over my face. Jar Jar IS the phantom menace in Episode One.

Episode One is far from perfect. Had Lucas outlined his vision and allowed others to help him find its perfect shape we would probably have been treated to something that came closer to the originals. But my children love it, and on a Sunday afternoon that’s more than enough for me.

Writer Dad

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